The Chinese Sperm Extractor

December 25, 2014
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The Chinese Sperm Extractor

These days they’re known as fluffers. You’ve probably heard of fluffers—men or women who are hired to keep the performers on porn sets readily on call while the director and the crew do their thing—as sort of laissez-faire professionals, who like sex but choose not to be on screen. The phrase, however, has crept into other walks of life, as with my friend Mike, a firefighter, who had both a nurse and one of assistants help him gain a bit of physical relief after he took some bad burns on his hands and arms putting out a fire. I’m not quite sure why, but it seems that, out of sheer graciousness and generosity—and sometimes for money—folks sometimes do this for each other.

This is not something that can be counted upon as any sort of panacea, however. The Chinese seem to see things differently. Mercifully considering its population of 1,393,783,836, there is chance for societally acceptable mass relief on the horizon for every citizen of the last great socialist state.  At Nanjing’s Gulou Yi Yuan hospital, situated in the noisy downtown area, the booming overpopulated capital of Jiangsu Province – it’s overloaded with patients in perhaps one of the single busiest infirmaries in the world – they have introduced a new machine that makes extraction of sperm a mechanical pleasure. The machine, an automatic sperm extractor, is already a permanent accepted fixture covered under the rubric of socialized medicine. I am amazed. Always a big booster for every other kind of hands-free technology, I can’t help but ponder upon but scientists and bureaucrats perhaps going a tad too far with this implement? Still in China’s single fastest growing city, with i’s population of 8.16 million, the machine may ultimately prove to be a national treasure.

Engineered for effortlessness, the gray, pink and white machine, shown on the video above from YouTube, has a massage pipe, which is easily adjusted to the height and girth of the user.  Once the custom fitting has been made, the male subject turns the machine on, All the gentleman has to do is plug his penis, gauge the frequency of vibration, grip, comfort in lubrication and temperature and, as we say back in Manchester, England, “Bob’s your Uncle.” There is also strategically placed aid rack where magazines can be placed and a monitor one can connect to iPads or tablets of choice and perhaps some help from friends at VIP.

The director of the hospital’s urology department, who wished to remain anonymous, says the new machine was invented with a view toward helping those people out there who find it problematic to create sperm the common way. Indeed, the stress of performing any kind of sex act in such an overpopulated city seems completely understandable. Then again, getting used to standing up in a room shared by many, many other folks and then being milked like a prize Hereford bull-cow is going to help ease one’s sense of anxiety. I do, however, give these Chinese movers and shakers an A for effort and a big red lollipop! Is there, one wonders, someone out there in Cupertino or Porn Valley, who owns the kind of vision thing to take this baby a step further?

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