Apparently This Is How We Had Cyber Sex In 1997

May 12, 2016
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This Is How We Had Cyber Sex In 1997

You’re probably well aware by now that fucking in the free world has a few more dimensions in 2015.

SexTech is riding high and is closer than ever to bursting mainstream dams and flooding the world in its digital stickiness and post-plugged in coital glow. We can send Snapchats, tweets/DMs, sext, go on a cam site or just browse the infinite catalogue of porn that envelopes us.

Even after that, we can still go to a chatroom and have some text-sex with somebody next door to you or on the other side of the world. The point is: it’s everywhere and you don’t need to be a landscaper to get your rocks off nice and easy these days.

in 2015 chatrooms are a little on the passé side given the insane leaps that technology has made. But before all that, how did a would-be Information Superhighway sex pioneer go about the whole thing?

Well, if this video is anything to go by… slowly, painfully and really, really awkwardly.

Ok… ok… this video isn’t even 20 years old but can anyone vouch for the fact that it wasn’t made in the 60s? Were the 90s THAT awful? Three years from the Millennium that promised so much were we still filming docu-pieces through a toilet roll holder with a piece of plastic on the end? The pace of the modern age dictates that our memories and attention spans are shorter than the temper of a coked-up nightclub bouncer in the midst of a messy divorce but I don’t remember it being this bad.

Made all the better by the stunted script and howlingly poor connection speed, our intrepid reporter still manages to snare a willing victim – his response of ‘yessssss’ being more than enough to charm the jumper off our host.

…but yeah, the jumper. Where did that go? She’s either totally up for it, too quick to jump to conclusions or there’s some insane editing taking place. Bear in mind this is a pre-webcam age. Who are you showing off to?! After seeing that rather vertiginous waistband, she’s jumped the gun a little. Put it back on, please!

It’s easy to see how today’s technology has come about. The frustrated, clenched fists of programmers and developers the world over have ensured our tech has become top notch. May God help us when resources become scarce because we will be reduced to this once more: masturbating like scurrying ants, squinting into the dying light of a Usenet connection or .alt newsgroup, looking to die with one last smile on our face. Who needs nostalgia?

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