Workers Aren’t Just Rubbing Out Errors in the Office

August 9, 2014
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Every worker bee, whether their particular toil involves laying bricks or shuffling papers, has her or his own way of killing (and creating) downtime at work. Some folks hang around the water cooler talking sports or politics, others might spend a little extra time on the porcelain throne reading the newspaper, or just hiding from their boss and various responsibilities.

According to investigators looking into the way that government workers while away their time in departments like Commerce, Treasury, FCC, HUD and the General Services Administration, many workers are availing themselves of the Internet’s most abundant resource, porn, as a salve against the doldrums of their sinecures.

One Treasury employee evidently told investigators that, “he is aware it is against government rules and regulations, but he often does not have enough work to do and has free time.” An FCC employee said that things were so slow around his office that he surfed porn for about eight hours each week, “out of boredom.”

Some of my friends in the porn industry view this sort of thing as good news; a customer is a customer, they figure, so what do they care if their customers are watching porn while at work?

Workers Aren't Just Rubbing Out Errors in the Office

Personally, I have several issues with it, not the least of which is that as a taxpayer, I’m probably paying at least a fraction of a cent of each of their annual salaries – and it’s a fraction of a cent wasted if these bozos are sitting around spanking it instead of… Well, doing whatever the fuck a paralegal at the FCC is supposed to be doing, like drafting an order to fine a broadcast network because some drunken celebrity let out an F-bomb during a fatally dull awards show that nobody except the Parents Television Council was watching in the first place.

Let’s also face this fact: These people aren’t paying for the porn they’re watching during work; they’re going to the same tube sites everybody else on the planet frequents. The only difference is that these bawdy bureaucrats get the extra, added thrill of possibly getting caught at their desk with their cock out by Ethel from Accounts Receivable.

Honestly, I’m a lot less disturbed by the idea of government jerkoffs living up to that epithet than I am by the fact that these government humps have nothing to do all day except yank on their pricks. If they’re short on work, I’d be happy to let them pull weeds from my yard – on the government’s nickel, naturally. Sure, they won’t do as good a job as the stalwart illegal immigrants who have historically handled this important task for me, but at least they’ll get some sun, fresh (albeit very hot) air, and an education in why you never wear shorts while doing yard work in Arizona, even if it is 110 degrees outside. (Hint: the answer rhymes with “prattlesnakes”)

Failing that, I think the government ought to establish a rule that if you’re going to watch porn at work (and it’s now quite clear that you are going to do that), it must be on a pay-per-view basis. This wouldn’t do anything to mitigate the loss of employee productivity, but since it sounds like part of the problem with these guys is that their in-boxes are empty to begin with, the least they can do is contribute to the nation’s economy as they waste its tax dollars.

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.


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