Foul Ball!
The lowest reaches of the English soccer pyramid isn’t exactly world-renowned for its adherence to elite athleticism. It’s sub-minor league stuff with big hangovers and even bigger beer guts. Clitheroe F.C. centre forward Jay Hart might have hoped he’d make his name as a player of some repute, but it’s his off-the-field scoring that has led to him becoming the latest viral video victim.
The free-scoring striker made sure he got full penetration in the penalty zone after getting down and dirty with an adoring fan post-match in the away team’s dugout. Alas, Hart was also playing away from home much to the horror of his girlfriend back at home. Hart’s quick release resulted in similar treatment from his employers, who promptly terminated his contract once news of his professional foul went worldwide. Clitheroe chairwoman Anne Barker told press of the sacking in a terse statement.
“Following a NON-FOOTBALL RELATED incident at Mossley AFC yesterday, Jay Hart has been dismissed from the club.
“It has brought the club into disrepute and it’s not proper for him to scupper our reputation. I expect our players to act professionally.”
Rock The Casbah!
A sex shop in Mecca that sells Sharia-compliant and halal sex and romance-based items is to open after consultations with religious leaders over the opening of a sex shop in Islam’s holy city.
El Asira – a brand and store with a base in Amsterdam – will be selling items such as incense, candles, oils and other such atmospheric and therapeutic aids; far removed from the hackneyed perception of sex stores as temples of tacky dolls and gaudy colors. Saudi Arabia has caused concern for a number of years in regards to their laws and ethics concerning the treatment of women.
“The products we’re putting on the market have nothing to do with blow-up dolls or vibrators,” company founder Abdelaziz Aouragh told the AFP news agency.
“It’s not about the sex act, it’s what’s going on around it. Our products increase the atmosphere and heighten feelings of sensuality.”
#StopVegetableAbuse!
A lot of people are suspicious of vegetables. Boiled. mashed or fried into oblivion, sometimes you can’t make that musky taste that actually eating healthy brings. It’s not much of a trade-off. But of course, we all know vegetables haven’t strictly stayed in the Edible Items Only category throughout the course of time. They just so happen to fit into other places – or indeed people. There’s an entire genre of porn devoted to it.
So it looks as if it’s been left to Larry Flynt’s Hustler to tell us to stop jamming vegetables right up in the salad drawer. Now there’s a sentence you never thought you’d see, right? In a tongue-in-cheek bid to get more people snapping up their own sex toys instead of turning to Mother Nature, Hustler have drawn on the electoral buzz currently sweeping the USA. In a ‘manifesto’ published on their website they said:
“Every day, cucumbers, zucchinis and carrots are being inserted into orifices where they don’t belong. It doesn’t stop there either – we’re talking broccoli, radishes and even artichokes. These nutritional foods that are born from the sweet soil of our earth are not meant for whatever you may or may not be doing in the privacy (hopefully) of your home. Make a salad, steam them, stir-fry or just sauté with a little olive oil and garlic. Now that is how you use a vegetable.”
It’s a little crazy, sure, but it’s a SFW campaign that captures the Zeitgeist and is memorable. That’s how you do it, folks.
