It starts in our heads; the biggest sex organ, our brain, messing with our minds again. When you think of a sexy thought and whisper it in your partner’s ear, you can easily find yourself in the middle of foreplay. Foreplay, says Dr. Gilda Carle, “extends a couple’s intimacy and it also prevents a woman from feeling used and unfulfilled.” I think foreplay is an option but not always a must. A proper touch of skin and the possibilities for exploration are unlimited. Sometimes I like it hot and heavy but at times those ten to twenty minutes of foreplay really make a difference.
And just how often should we let ourselves go with our sexual flow? People always wonder how often they should be having sex, and there’s no right number,” says Dr. Ian Kerner. “In general, sex begets sex, and sex ruts beget sex ruts. If you focus on having sex once a week, you’re probably going to end up having it more often as you’ll be more tuned in and generally turned on.” He also claims that women who have sex semi-regularly—at least once a week—experience increased testosterone levels, which can lead to a healthier, more vigorous sex drive – and I can confirm that.
“Life is not a romantic comedy,” says Dr. Carle. “Sometimes you’re into sex, and other times you’re not. But the real satisfaction from which great sex emanates is the relationship you have before the sex occurs. Deep, loving friendship, feelings of safety and knowing that you can say ‘no’ when you are not in the mood all trump momentary orgasm.”
I must say I agree with Dr. Carle. There are still too many out there who think faking is the way to go when you’re not in the mood. “If you’re with a partner you care to be with, what is the payoff to faking it?” asks Dr. Carle. “If you can’t get turned on, probe what the reason is. Are you disinterested in sex? Do you have other things on your mind? Do you dislike your partner? Are you angry with him? Your body often says what your mind won’t admit.”
Fakers, beware, adds Dr. Kerner. “It’s a slippery slope and often leads to more faking, the buildup of anger and resentment, and a lack of enjoyment and interest in sex. Rather than faking, better to be in the kind of relationship where it’s OK if you don’t always have an orgasm and you can talk about the reasons. Every time someone fakes it there’s a lost opportunity to communicate and make sex—and your relationship—better.”
Have you considered sleeping in different bedrooms to spice up your sex life? “Many couples sleep alone for different reasons,” says Dr. Kerner. “If you’re not sleeping in the same bed, for whatever reason, you are less likely to have sex and more likely to find yourself in a rut and then vulnerable to issues like infidelity.” It’s worth a try.