The Vast, Right Wing Condom Conspiracy

July 20, 2014
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Who knew so many conservative men were into wearing condoms during sex?

I mean, the men in my life have always told me that going bareback is preferable to wearing a rubber. But I’ve only fucked liberal guys, so I guess I was getting a one-sided opinion.

But conservative men obviously love sliding a tight latex sheath over their cocks. Why else would they be foursquare in favor of the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision allowing corporations to refuse insurance coverage that would pay for female employees’ access to certain forms of birth control, like the IUD for instance.

The Vast, Right Wing Condom Conspiracy

Conservatives argue that it’s all about religious freedom, because Jesus apparently prefers you put a tight rubber hood over your penis than stick it in the kind of woman who uses birth control, probably because those women are sluts. At least that’s the opinion of Rush Limbaugh who has said so much about the type of the kinds of women loose enough to want to avoid pregnancy. He also criticized men who support such harlotry, asserting that any man who doesn’t support the Hobby Lobby decision is just a “pajama boy.”

Well, damn. I don’t even know what that is. Hugh Hefner was often photographed in his pajamas surrounded by beautiful women. I mean, sluts. Maybe he’s one of the “pajama boys” that Limbaugh was referencing, although I kind of doubt it. After all, Limbaugh and Hefner have too much in common. Both of them have been married a gazillion times, and both need Viagra to raise a tent in their pajama bottoms.

The Vast, Right Wing Condom Conspiracy

Just a few years back, Limbaugh was stopped at an airport on the way to his way to a Dominican stag party and a search of his luggage revealed an impressive amount of Viagra which, by the by, is still covered if you work at Hobby Lobby. Because Jesus smiles on any medication that includes a warning to head to the ER if you get a four-hour erection.

I don’t know if Limbaugh had condoms in his luggage. I hope so, since he’s obviously not keen on other birth control for all the sluts he was looking to pork on his vacation.

Today my friend Gene suggested today that this disdain for female birth control and subsequent need for condoms may actually be part of a larger GOP latex fetish.

Did I mention my friends are brilliant? Well, they are.

The Vast, Right Wing Condom Conspiracy

It makes sense though. Gains should be made incrementally, after all.  With more corporations bound to hear the voice of God telling them that women shouldn’t have the pill, latex condom sales will go through the roof. And then it’s just a short leap to latex gimp suits, and that’s where the real fun begins.

It’s been my experience that the biggest, blustering bullies secretly want to be dominated. If that doesn’t sound like a religious right wing conservative, I don’t know what does.

In a way, this may be good for women who need to turn an extra buck so they can afford those IUD’s the insurance won’t cover. Certain men will pay big money to be dominated by a liberal chick. My Hillary Clinton mask is on order. For a hundred bucks, I’ll beat you until you scream “Benghazi!”

Call me.

Fiona Wilde is a staff writer and commentator for and a published author of erotic novels for Blushing Books. Fiona comes from a background as a journalist for a large daily newspaper, but moved into erotica after mainstream media could not pay enough to keep her an honest woman. Her columns can be found on and her novels are widely available on


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