Have you ever penetrated the very back of your local adult store? Past the vibrating Rabbits, beyond the racks of magazines, with their pristine pages, aching for the jizz of someone who still hasn’t invested in an internet connection, there’s a much more sinister array of products for those kinksters out there. I took the liberty of researching a few of these items and I can tell you, curiosity did not kill the cat but it sure put her off of her dinner…
Lube in bulk
Not only can you acquire lube in an array of sickly flavors (bacon, pina colada, whiskey), but you can also buy it in bulk. Far from being a snob I have to admit that when it comes to lube, I turn my nose up at anything that looks cheap. But if for you size matters then get your genitals around a gallon, yes gallon, of lube.
Manties, the panties for men
Why should gals have all the fun and discomfort of frilly knickers? Now guys can don a pair of embroidered, lacey, bow blazoned, items made just for them. Never again will you have to suffer ‘squashed ball syndrome’ thanks to the unforgiving gusset of a pair of panties made for women. Get your junk into some pretty little trunks today.
Chastity belts with “key service”
Chastity belts have been oppressing men and women for centuries but instead of entrusting they key to a partner/kidnapper now you can simply have your key mailed to you after a desired amount of time. If it were up to me I’d be paying for premium postage to avoid that trip to the hospital we all know too well – “Honey I’ve gotta’ pop down to ER again, UPS lost the key and I’m starting to rust around the groin.”
Animal tail butt plugs
The title sums it up really – the plug goes in your butt and billowing out is a tail of either synthetic or real hair giving you the look of a pony, fox, rabbit or dog. I find these cute and nauseating at the same time.
Startling strokers
Strokers are masturbatory devices that look a bit like a rubber person who has been chopped into pieces. They’re basically sex dolls without the bells and whistles that you can do without (and by that I mean heads and limbs). Are you unsatisfied with your “gaping anal stroker”? Would you prefer a synthetic asshole that has really taken a pounding? Does a prolapsed anus make your mouth water? Well, step up to the Rosebud anal stroker, and further devastate that derriere if you dare.
