I have to admit when I first heard of ‘sexually progressive’ I had no idea what it was. It sounds like a competition I have to win. And I will. Because I’m just that competitive. But putting that aside for a moment, being sexually progressive is a fairly new term being bandied about by the sex positive community. I’ll be damned but I really had to whip out my sex dictionary and look up the meaning for this.

I feel that Polly Superstar (of Kinky Salon fame) said it best in this article:

“Progressive sexuality isn’t just about having sex at parties, it means understanding the cultural landscape of sex, and supporting the significant changes happening in our society. These include ideas like the importance of consent, the deception of the binary gender narrative, the need for feminism and masculinism, and the dangers of sexual objectification.”

For those of us who are afraid that we’re not having enough sexy time experiences in life – whether you live in a place that isn’t conducive or if you’re just not into it – it doesn’t matter. Being sexually progressive isn’t about having lotsa sex, with many people, or going to parties, or getting kinky, or liking 50 Shades of Grey.

It is a whole lot about accepting that there is more than one way to do things. It is about being tolerant, even if it doesn’t get you off, and even if you don’t understand it.

The other day in a meeting with a bunch of women (I do love working with the #sisterhood), I was asked what is it I write about, and with a little bit of hesitation I replied, “Mostly I write about sex.”

Quick side note: I always hesitate talking about what I write about, mainly because I dislike having to deal with whatever issues people (more often than not) have about sex. Because it is always their problem with the subject matter, and not the fact that I write about sex that bothers them. There are certain types of people whom I know off the bat will be cool about what I write, and certain people who will surprise me, and certain people who are totally not cool with it and will let me know. Men will either end up thinking I am DTF, think I’m a slut, or just be cool. Women are the same except that instead of thinking I am DTF, they think I will go after their men. *eye roll*

Ok, back. So then came the usual “Oohs!” and “Aahs!” and fake excitements about the topic (these women were a mix between the ‘cool with it’ and the ‘not cool with it you slut’ crowd). And the expected, “So tell me something you wrote about!”

My last article was about anal beads, and I said so. It was about how to make your own anal beads and how to use them. All my articles are always sex positive and I would like to see myself as a sex positive person.

“Freaks!” said a woman, “These people are freaks. Who would put beads, would put anything up their butt?”

Silence around the table. She looked so uncomfortable and repulsed by the idea. She had that, ‘only sluts and whores do this’ face. As if anything that isn’t the ‘norm’ (or what society says is the normal way to have sex) is therefore only for the perverted and slutty.

There really is nothing much to say when someone takes this stance. Perhaps if we were alone a conversation would have been initiated and I could at least understand why she had this viewpoint. But in a crowd of at least 7 other women? Nothing would come out of it. So I said my non-committal, “Different strokes for different folks!” line and left it at that.

But inside I was thoughtful. Ok, wait I lie. Inside I was steaming. I was annoyed. I was angry. The sexual landscape is changing so quickly. And yet there are still people who can lash out so insensitively. I wonder what is it that they need to let go in themselves to allow them to live alongside the new world. It must be a doozy, because they’re holding on so tightly.

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.