Sex Toys: Novelty Vibrators

February 15, 2014
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We’re really spoiled for choice when it comes to objects to stick into our orifices in the name of a good time. Take an semi-phallic shaped icon and there’s a good chance that if you scour the Internet hard enough you can order one online and have it inside of you before you can sing the last line of God Save The Queen – funnily enough, the same tune as your musical dildo.

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I find it hard to believe that while the perverts at Dongs ‘n’ Schlongs, or some other playfully named factory, were brainstorming celebrities to turn into rubber masturbatory masterpieces, they failed to mention Marge Simpson. With that hair, in all its studded glory, she’s just asking to be sat on. Feel free to get that one into production asap and throw the royalties my way.

Obamacare now extends to sexual health in the form of a suit-clad dildo of the man himself. And yes, he can…

Even the meekest of church going folk can break themselves in care of the lord himself. “Nailed” to the cross – how appropriate. It brings back terrifying memories of the “fuck me Jesus!” scene from The Exorcist, doesn’t it?

From popping hymens to her royal highness, the Queen of England even has her own rectal relic. On the day of posing (I assume she was a good enough sport to be involved in the production) she kept her crown on. Thinking of her rigid head getting snagged on something brings tears to my eyes.

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Do we have an animal lover in the house? For a love that goes deeper and way more sinister than the norm there are a range of replicas of dogs, horses and even whales for the really adventurous.

Gone are the days of using a real carrot, straight out of the crisper and having your way with it, only to rinse it and use it in that night’s salad. At least I hope people were pre-washing? C’mon guys, a little decorum, please…

No, no, take those perishables out of your panties and pop them back in the pantry. There are slightly redundant plastic versions of all your fresh food friends available at only the most reputable adult stores. Possibly their best function is the ability to hide in plain sight in the fruit bowl.

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