Sex Beyond Time and Space: Where Porn Might Boldly Go

July 25, 2015
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Sex Beyond Time and Space: Where Porn Might Boldly Go

A few ’grafs into YNOT’s “news” article about an intrepid band of adult performers and producers digging toward the Earth’s core in order to film a scene hotter than magma, I realized that my editor was trolling me. I’m only a little disappointed in myself that my revelation came late enough into the piece that lizard men assailants were mentioned. Shame on me.

YNOT’s piece is a satirical reference to the recent announcement of Pornhub trying to crowdfund a sexy mission into space. According to almost the entire Internet, the company is attempting to raise the funds to shoot an adult film in orbit, not only because it’s crazy, but also there are many who really do wonder how coitus operates in zero gravity.

Being trolled by my editor, along with the trending topic of adult performers performing in space, got me pondering the scope of where human sexuality still has yet to venture.

With the satire above in mind, it would be pretty incredible to see adult entertainment go to stranger places. In keeping with the “center of the Earth” motif, why not dress up an abandoned mining tunnel and film folks going to town there? It’d be dangerous, but a testament to everyone who’s ever worked in a coal mine and gotten no love for it.

There are spectacular places on earth where sexy films could be shot as well. If it weren’t probably prohibited in every way, shape or form, the Great Barrier Reef would be a sterling destination, and would answer the question of what the native species would do if two humans were doinking all up on their beloved coral. There’s also the rainforests of South America. Wouldn’t it be pretty sweet if a company shot down there, but with heavy implications toward savoring the natural beauty that big businesses are bulldozing over? Adult entertainment saves environment? That’d be a great headline.

If the bizarre’s your thing, maybe a great idea could be having performers, in full scuba gear, humping atop a humpback whale mid swim. I’m not so sure the animal would enjoy that – who are we to judge the likes and dislikes of other species? – but it would be quite the tale.

Sex Beyond Time and Space: Where Porn Might Boldly Go

Another crazy idea would be to build a super magnified version of a heart or lungs, motorize the suckers to operate as they would if they were indeed inside a human, then film some pretend miniaturized hanky-panky. It would satisfy all those folks who dig on science fiction where scientists miniaturize poor saps, saying, “Don’t worry, the submarine will totally stay miniaturized the whole hour!” Or even a giant model of a mouth, where the tongue acted as a mattress and there was a suitable amount of simulated saliva.

Maybe shooting inside replicas of human bodies is a little weird and unsavory. Speaking of questions of tastiness, what about the sweet nectar that is bee honey? Imagine this: you have a bee suit sleeping bag type apparatus, made with a see-through substance of some kind – anyone know a polymer specialist? – and have performers sex one another while literally covered in bees. Not as grand a gesture as saving the environment by enjoying carnal embrace on an old world growth, or making love with headlamps on, but a recreation of one of the internet’s classic memes. What a rush, to be tumbling about in a translucent bag while millions or really confused bees buzz around.

And what about a full on hadron collider? It’d be the strangest apparatus to make love in, but a quantum leap in the overall extremeness of adult content. As long as they didn’t turn the thing on, however, unless you wanted a Dr. Manhattan effect, in which you have two molecularly reconstructed superbeings. That way, you could film all kinds of scenes on Mars, and have your performers multiply themselves while also doing any number of other tasks with their temporally advanced consciousness. Impossible, but a man can dream.

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