Greetings and welcome to the second and final part in our Presidential sex toys bonanza!
As you will have read in our last instalment, we selected five modern US Presidents and decided which sex toys would suit them best. We’d say “tis the season” and all that, but here at BaDoink we’re like this all the time.
So, take our hand and step into the time machine we happened to have lying around the office as we ruminate on which historical former President will be in receipt of a naughty little surprise! We’ll be giving you a history lesson with a sexy twist…not many others can say that.
Honest Abe remains one of the most enduring and iconic Presidents in US history. The man who held a deep moral mistrust of slavery and ultimately went to war over it (plus other reasons, we know!) is still called upon in speeches, memory and lasts as an image of what a person in power can do when their heart is in the right place.
The man famous for his stovepipe hat and rather handsome beard always appeared reserved and stoic, but in the privacy of his own home…who knew?
It’s perhaps only fair to offer Abe some furry cuffs to make those exhausting days brighten with the promise of something fun in the evening. Plus, they match his rather furry collar…and as we all know, it’s fun when the collar and cuffs match.
The first President of the United States was known as a strong and powerful leader, unable to tell a lie as the story has it.
Ah yes, the Cherry Tree story: as the legend goes, a young George chopped down his father’s favorite cherry tree and when pressed, admitted it and claimed “I can’t tell a lie, Pa.” Always a handy attribute for a politician to have, even if most of them lie through gritted teeth anyway.
Let’s use a little creative license and imagine what the grown up President Washington and his lovely lady wife Martha could have done with the remains of that cherry tree. How about…fashioning a rather luxurious handcrafted Cherry Tree Wood Dildo? Just make sure it’s all smoothed off though, George; the last thing ANYBODY wants is splinters ‘down there’!
If that fails, then there’s always the Washington Monument, perhaps the most phallic object in all of the USA!
Ulysses S. Grant
The 18th President led the Union army to victory in the Civil War, Grant was noted for his efforts in removing the last vestiges of African slavery in the US, protecting the citizenship rights of African-Americans and attempting to defeat the eternally awful Ku Klux Klan.
President Grant was also known for establishing the Gold Ring, a sort-of-less-than-scrupulous collective of merchants and other associated traders designed to gain inside information on gold trading with Grant’s help.
So…and with you having read all of these so far…you know where we’re going with this, right? Of course! The best gift for President Grant is a shining, golden cock ring! Hey, the man won the war for chrissakes, let him have his fun.
President Jackson’s place in history is not a particularly envious one. Thanks to his Indian Removal Act, his administration sought an aggressive policy of turfing out Native Americans from their land. How nice of you, Andy.
These forced ‘relocations’ created what became known as the Trail Of Tears. All of that undue suffering, pain and hardship to satisfy a hatred of an “other”; perhaps we should configure this gift to exact a little revenge on President Jackson.
How does this sound: a big ol’ buttplug. Push it in there hard enough and we may see another trail of tears in double quick time!
T.R. remains the President sworn in at the youngest age, at the sprightly low number of 42, so we might expect some youthful vitality from the man who took the GOP into an era of stronger business regulation and expressed a belief in environment conservation. Hey, this guy was years ahead of his time…and we could probably use his type right now.
Regarded historically as one of the best Presidents in the nation’s history, TR probably deserves something luxurious, expensive and easy on the skin.
So for you, Teddy, a charming little furry suit. Now, we don’t mean a Furry suit (that’s another rocky road altogether), but something akin to what those posh, silver-spoon wielding types wear in the UK’s House of Lords. Something for his beau to stroke tenderly. He’ll feel like a King…and much like Grant, he deserves it.
That’s our rather exhaustive list of suggestions over! We’d love to hear from you though. Have we missed anybody out? Are any of our gifts misplaced? Let us know down below!