Perhaps it’s something you have wanted to try for a while; you might have heard a lot about it; maybe you’ve seen something on television or movies. I’m talking about the all elusive ‘sex party’. For some it is the stuff of legend. For others it is something they do every weekend.

Today we’re going to cover the ins and outs of a sex party. Personally I believe that we should all attend a sex party at least once in our lives. I mean the freedom that you get when you attend a sex party cannot be rivaled by any other kind of party. But sure, if you’ve never attended one before, I understand that it can be intimidating. I sure felt intimidated the first time we had to attend a sex party.

Good lord, I waxed off every bit of hair, except that on my head, primped and primed myself, bought something sexy yet classy, put my face on and off I went with my partner. Most of the night was spent elbowing each other trying to get the other to talk to someone cute. In the end it happened naturally, we found someone with whom we had a wonderful night. We’re still friends with them to this day.

Nowadays I’m a little more relaxed, having not only been to more parties but organizing our own parties too. Sure there is still that flutter of excitement but I’m not so nervous about talking to others anymore. That doesn’t mean that these parties don’t have rules, I just know them well enough to not get stressed out by them.

First, what it’s NOT

I know when you see sex parties in the movies or on television, it seems like a magical affair with masked hot men and women, cheekily eyeing each other, horny to no end, making out everywhere, draped across all the old-timey furniture fucking. The women are wearing ridiculously sexy lingerie and the men are in all stages of undress. Or if the movie is more ‘edgy’ then you get some dungeon type scene with men and women strung up, wearing leather; strobe lights and music blaring, fucking, whipping and bum smacking and other general naughtiness.

Um… yes, about that…

Yes, there is fucking at sex parties. Yes people are generally dressed sexily. But the similarities end there. There are many different types of parties. Some are organized by your friendly neighborhood swinger couple, and that usually involves dinner and drinks at their place followed by a night of sexy fun. Some are at a swinger club, which is mostly like going to a regular club except there are rooms in the back where you can fuck, maybe a jacuzzi and a pool – depending on the club. Some are private parties organized by party organizers. These parties can be parties that accept anyone who pays, or they can be more selective and only accept people they think will fit in their ‘scene’. Some of these parties ask for photos before letting you in and some just require that you pay and show up. Some parties are straight up swinger parties, some are cuckold parties, and some are fetish parties – you get the idea. So it can vary. Depending on your needs, pick which one feels right for you (and your partner).

Once you’re there

No you can’t just go up to a hot girl and start feeling her up – you still need consent before you can have sex, or even touch her. And yes, just like in real life you might get rejected too – even if you ask nicely. So what do you do? Well, I spoke to Manuel Lara – the founder and CEO of SwingLiving, a private swinger community based in Latin America that also organizes private swinger parties for its members. They’ve organized parties in Bogotá (Colombia), Puerto Rico, Mexico City, Buenos Aires (Argentina) and Punta del Este (Uruguay). He graciously shares his experience in organizing these parties and the unspoken ‘rules’ of these parties:

Who usually comes to these types of parties?

Being swinger parties, these are pretty much exclusively for couples, not single women or men (although sometimes exceptions can be made if the person comes very recommended by someone known). The average age is 35 to 45, but depending on the party you can find a younger (25 – 35) or older (40 – 50) crowd. Again, different parties or clubs will have different crowds, but usually our parties (and I’d say that’s the norm in the swinger scene) tend to have high-income, well-educated couples (lawyers, doctors, government workers, etc.). While most couples who attend have years of experience in the scene and thus are very comfortable in their own skin, interacting with others, knowing what to do and not to do, etc., there are always some couples who are either totally new or have had very little experience playing with other couples. In terms of looks, and this varies greatly by party/club/country, while I’d say swingers generally take better care of their looks than the average couple, women are usually more attractive and in better shape than men.

What are the ‘rules’ for single men?

Rules for men are very different depending on the party or club. More often than not, single men are not allowed at all, period. Sometimes, however, they’re allowed if they come with a couple who vouches for him, and it will be up to them to make sure he behaves well, etc. Some organizers or clubs, though, allow single men to attend their parties; sometimes in a limited capacity (only a certain amount of men per party, or only to certain parts of the venue), sometimes without any restriction. Most couples in the scene aren’t looking to interact with single men at all, so naturally these parties tend to attract the couples who do.

Now, in terms of “how should single men behave” at a party like this, there aren’t a lot of hard rules because it depends on the party (is it mostly for couples, or mostly for singles?), the crowd and what the receiver of your interactions prefers (for example, some couples prefers single men to just hang out somewhere and they’ll go pick them out, others prefers single men to approach them and not be shy). But there are a handful of rules that you can’t go wrong with (you’ll see most of these are applicable to anyone, really):

– Be absolutely respectful, a total gentleman. Seriously, a lot of the shit that guys pull on regular nightclubs will get you kicked out of most sex parties.

– Always ask for permission before touching anyone. It doesn’t matter how “up for it”, provocatively dressed, naked or heck, even being “being fucked by three guys right now” someone looks, just touching/kissing/being sexual with anyone in anyway, without asking and getting consent from them first, is a total no-no.

– As a follow up to that, understand that some people might feel bad or rude saying ‘no’, so consider anything other than an affirmative (YES!) response a ‘no’. “I’m not sure”, “Not right now”, “Maybe later”, no response, looking away awkwardly, etc. all equal NO.

– Don’t take it personally. Most people won’t be into you, so just take it in stride. If someone says ‘no’, or shows a lack of interest in any way, just smile and leave them alone. Don’t curse, bitch, complain, insist or harass anyone.

– Always use a condom. This is pretty self explanatory, but unsafe sex at a sex party is never OK, don’t even ask. And if you’re having your dick inside of more than one person, change your condom. No exceptions.

– In terms of approaching people, I’d say be respectful but direct. By direct I mean “approach”, not open with “want to fuck?” Even though this is a sex party, conversation is still the best lubrication. Be charming, flirt, seduce, etc. If you’re approaching a couple, just to be safe, it’s best to approach the man first, introduce yourself, chat a bit, etc. and ask them if they play with single men, or just couples. If they say men are OK, then feel free to ask if you can dance with or talk with his wife. Each couple is different so don’t be afraid to ask in case of doubt. No couple ever was offended for too much asking, if it’s done respectfully.

– Don’t get drunk and act all stupid.

What are the rules for couples?

Rules per se… other than what I said for men that can be applicable for couples too, not much more:

– You act as a unit. If one of you leaves the party, or is kicked out for any reason, both of you will have to leave.

– In terms of approaching people, it varies depending on the couple or even the country, but usually women are the ones that start the interaction, or if it’s a couple approaching a single male, usually it’s the husband who approaches the man. But there aren’t any hard rules about this, really.

What are the rules for women?

Probably what was said for men, that’s applicable for women. The only difference to keep in mind is that unsurprisingly, most parties, clubs and couples are totally cool with single women. Most couples will be open to playing with a single woman (which doesn’t mean that any/all single woman will do), or to have some level of girl play (the wife and the single girl). On the other hand, if as a single woman you want to have sex only with the husband in a couple, that may not be possible, depending on the couple. As always, don’t be afraid to respectfully ask.

Any advice for people going for the first time?

– If it’s your first time, maybe you could go with the intention of not playing with anyone. That way you remove a lot of the tension or fear of “what if this happens and I’m not cool with it”, etc. That way you can just check out what it’s about, and next time you go, you’ll know what you’re getting into, and you’ll feel more comfortable as a couple going in.

– If you’re going as a couple, make sure you’ve sat down and had an open discussion with each other: before the party (What are our expectations? What are we open to trying?), during (Are you OK with this? Do you like this guy/girl/couple? Do you want to go to room X?), and after (Were there any uncomfortable moments? How do you feel now? What did you like and you didn’t like about the party?).

– Don’t assume that because you and your partner agreed to something beforehand (say, have sex with someone else), that it’s OK during the party, when emotions and reality kick in. Always ask if your partner is OK with any extra steps any of you takes. At the slightest sign of doubt or insecurity, step back. There is absolutely no need to hurry, and there will be more sex parties. It’s best to have a good and positive experience where neither of you have sex, rather than get some action but later have feelings of regret or jealousy and not consider the experience as positive.

This pretty much sums it up as the ‘rules’ of sex parties! If at all possible, going to a party that comes recommended is a lot better than jumping into a brand new one. But then again, this is all part and parcel of the experience. In either case, if you are feeling uncomfortable, you can always bounce. No harm, no foul.

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Either way, hope this helps if you’re trying your very first party. Let me know how it goes in the comments below!