Implausible Places to Shag Before You Die

November 26, 2013
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It’s a true fact that in this day and age people set themselves incredibly difficult standards in terms of sex and romance. People want to find the one (or several, for all you poly-folk out there), and are willing to go to almost cataclysmic lengths to complete that journey.

Unfortunately for readers looking for me to solve that problem today, I’m dreadfully sorry. That’s a tough voyage, and no one Internet article is going to unlock the secret to it. Instead, why not take a moment and set a different set of standards; look at the partner(s) you may have now, and amend your life journey to include some implausible locations to have sex in before life decides to hand you the perfect romance that shouldn’t be put under the scrutiny of some… rather bombastic ideas.

sex on the tracksHere are some places to mull over in the search for kinky thrills:

1. Top of a mountain. Most people have entertained the possibility of sex on the beach as well as in a backyard. But why not take that sea-level locale and raise the bar, literally. Go to the top of a huge mountain and make passionate love like Zeus must have done. Small New England mountains don’t count.

2. The Great Barrier Reef. Again, the beach is cool, but a veritable metropolis of underwater fauna of varying, brilliant colors and activity is downright transcendental.

3. Top of the Duomo. Because there’s a great view of Florence at dusk and it’s actually pretty dangerous (you may fall off the damn thing). Major points if you take a nice little trip down to the Vatican and sneak into the Pope’s personal washroom (without getting arrested forever).

4. Alien spacecraft. Aliens are real; didn’t you hear the news some time ago? Borrow a craft from a tall white, saying you need to check out the moon or something, then actually go to the moon and go to town on each other. On the moon. In an alien spacecraft. It’s like checking off a box in a scavenger hunt with an Independence Day style laser blast.

5. The Titanic. No, not a replica, and absolutely not while that one scene is playing. I’m saying, study marine archaeology for several years at the graduate level, apply for a grant, commission a submarine and expedition crew, deconstruct and reassemble a room of the titanic in your garage, and make the scene in the film look downright silly.

If anywhere on this list doesn’t actually seem implausible, then you are enjoying yourself. If you have ticked off each one of these more than once, you are, simply put, winning at life. Now return the spaceship before you start a nationwide catastrophe. You can use your Titanic bedroom instead.

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