How to Take A Proper Penis Selfie

March 3, 2014
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We’re going to talk about something serious here boys. The penis selfie (PS). Yes, this trend is getting big ya’ll, what with all the snap happy celebrities out there gracing us with shots of their dongs. But, I better get you straight before you decide to Snapchat an ugly PS to the girl you’re hitting on. God forbid she thinks you have a small one. So listen up and take notes. Oh and whip out your phones too and practice along as you read. I’m going to make sure you take a PS so good you’ll actually be proud if it leaks out to the interwebz.

Manscaping
Before you start snapping, time to do a little trimming boys. No one needs to see the untrimmed bush you have going down there. No, it isn’t a thing. So get the scissors and trim that hedge. But don’t go all the way. A clean shaven penis is a Ken Doll’s penis.

penis selfie

The Lighting
Please. Please do not use the flash on your camera phones. If it’s dark, then switch on a light or wait for some morning wood. Nothing spoils a good dong than bad lighting. We don’t want to see the little veins popping from your hard wood under the glare of an unforgiving flash.

The Angle
Listen up cuz this is important. What angle you use is a big deal. You don’t want to see a full close up of a vagina do you? Well, we don’t want to see a close up of your dick. Back that camera up a little.

The Three Quarter
This is a good pose for a man who isn’t quite ready for a full frontal. Usually taken in front of a mirror (cuz seriously, who are you gonna ask to take it for you? Your mum?), you stand at a three quarter angle and either can let your limp penis lie on your leg or go long with a fully erect one. Also good for showing off the muscles on your leg.

The Full Frontal
For the man who gives zero fucks, this is exactly what it sounds like. Pull a Dirk Diggler and just let it all hang.

The Handful
Taken from your POV, it is a shot of your fully erect penis with your hands clasped around the base of the shaft. Not only does it make your penis look large it is also a lazy man’s penis selfie as it’s taken while lying down or sitting down.

Do Not:

The Peekaboo
Just the tip or just the shaft ala Kanye West? Come on!

The top-down
Do not go the Anthony Weiner (what an unfortunate name) route and take one from your POV while standing. Nothing shrinks a weiner *cough* quicker than a shot like this. Also, it just makes you look sloppy and lazy. Put a little effort into it!

Also, unless you’re sending a PS to your girlfriend as a joke, please don’t dress up your dong. Other than that, have fun and good luck!

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  1. Penis Selfie ? You learn something new everyday.

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