One of the big fads on the Internet right now is cooking weird foods or inventing ways to use certain appliances to gain levels in badass cookery. This is evidenced by Huffington Post articles about how to reinvigorate your relationship with your waffle maker. I believe this concept can and should be applied to other uses of food, beyond gustation. Food has always been utilized in the bedroom, but most usages are boring and unimaginative. Strawberries and drippy chocolate? Been there, done that. Let’s talk put some Michelin Stars on your two-backed beast.
For those of you who’ve never engaged in culinary or gastronomic booty, you first need to know the basics. The Durex site (for some awesome reason) published a comprehensive and kinda silly guide to utilizing foodstuffs whilst totally doing it. Basically, experiment with foodie sex lightly before going crazy. That, and know the foods you need to ingest before applying those same foods to sex times. WebMD (for some awesome reason also) wrote advice on what are good foods to add to your diet to perform better. Who knew my lust for pumpkin pie wasn’t just foodie cravings?
Now that we’ve gone over the basics, here are some ideas for insane and awesome instances of food sex (with recipes harvested from our friend the Internet):
We all love a hefty slice of chocolate cake, so why not use world’s best dessert in other ways? Next time you’re bored of mattresses, couches, and probably yoga mats, bake a massive version of the ‘Ultimate chocolate cake’ recipe from BBC GoodFood. You’ll redefine what the “ultimate” in the title means. Cake is very spongy, and needs to be handled with care, so eventually you’ll be rolling about a pile of chocolate mush, but damn it if you don’t have the tastiest sex of your life.
If making love on top of a cake doesn’t suit you, then you have other food-as-replacement-for-sexin’-surface recipes. Instead of wrapping your naked selves in a blanket or quilt, use a crepe or a tortilla. There’s a great crepe recipe on FoodCocktail, which comes second-hand from a master chef with some Michelin Stars to his name, so whatever is left of the thing after booty is had can make for a delicious breakfast/brunch/lunch/afternoon snack (crepes for dinner? nonsense!). Add in Nutella to the mix and you’ve almost outdone the cake method.
Also, you know how you normally need a table to eat on? Not anymore, love birds! If your preferred method of sexing is still a bed or couch, you can still enjoy foodie sex. Simply prepare your favorite sushi – try out the aptly named dragon roll – and lay it out on a chest or back, depending on which way you prefer to roll in the hay. It’ll be the most delicious sex you’ve ever enjoyed in your gourmet life.
Personally, my favorite time to enjoy the company of a fine sex partner is the morning, and what better meal is there than breakfast? Why not combine the two? For a quick but messy time, incorporate powdered sugar (stuff that French toast) or maple syrup (don’t waffle about damnit), but that’s not all that crazy or creative. If you really want to up the ante on what a “lie-in” really means, wrap a bacon weave (cooked and cooled enough, of course) around your sexin’ organ and prepare for the greasiest of experiences. Now that’s a breakfast sausage. For other uses of bacon weaves, check out the non-sexual but still delicious ideas on ‘oh, that’s tasty’.
Ultimately, sex is best when you incorporate other parts of your life into the overall experience. Food is no exception to this. Make the aspects of your life surround sex better, and you make your sex better, and the whole cycle deliciously renews. Just don’t put your member in a hot-dog bun and squirt on ketchup and mustard, that’s just truly nuts.