Well, it happens to all of us; we’re ready to cook a delicious feast; we get everything out, beautiful fresh veggies, all the right spices and the will to do some culinary magic, when all of a sudden we notice we’re all out of our main protein ingredient. What to do next?!

Panicking won’t help, and we know this. But even if we’re on the verge of it, there actually might be a way to obtain a substitute for our key ingredient while we also… um… relieve some stress.

This, I can only imagine, could very well be what Paul Photenhauer was thinking, as he has dedicated the last few years to cooking with a very special ingredient that will make a lot of self-pronounced adventurous eaters put their money – and fluids, I guess – where their mouth is: semen.

That’s right! Photenhauer’s first cookbook, The Natural Harvest, came out in 2009, compiling a series of recipes that incorporate semen into its making. According to the book’s publishers, “Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic.”

Even if you’re (understandably) hesitant about this, you have to admit it’s kind of nice to know that our secret ingredient can be obtained for free in pretty much any household, and would likely create a head-clearing exercise before the meal. How many recipes can you say that about?

You might be thinking, “That’s great, man, but I’m not much of a cook. My real talent is behind the bar.” Well, I’m happy to inform you that Photenhauer cookbook follow-up was published in 2013, specifically designed for those who wanted to add a bit of life to their cocktails. Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook is a pretty straightforward publication, containing 21 hands-on jizz-infused cocktail recipes.

While you might think this is all just a novelty-driven scheme to make you purchase a book, the publishers assure us “the connoisseur will appreciate learning how to mix selected spirits to enhance the delicate flavors of semen.” The book also provides useful tips that cover every detail of Semenology, from mixing and presentation to harvesting and storage advice.

You now might be considering hosting a dinner party for a few unsuspecting acquaintances, but while I agree it might be hilarious, a consensual experience would be strongly advised.

Maybe you could build an appetite with a nice Macho Mojito or bring a creative dessert to someone else’s party, perhaps the Chocolate Truffles with White Center?

Either way, you have to admit this will put quite a personal touch into everything you’ll prepare, and no one can take that away from you.

You can find more information on Photenhauer’s website.