As it says in Ecclesiastes, “all is vanity.” While millions worldwide pursue eternal youth and vibrancy via the dark arts of cosmetic surgery, it turns out there is a bustling market for vaginal tightening creams, potions, lotions and devices. The curtains have been well and truly drawn back on this world. The latest product to hit the market is the unfortunately-named ‘18 Again’, which promises to make women who are self-conscious about the elasticity of their nether regions “feel tight and wanted again!” For the bargain price of $39.95, you too can feel “tighter, younger and sexier” when it clamps your vagina shut like a shy oyster in five minutes with a 24 hour lasting effect. So you can have sex, lift weights, clamp cars, whatever. In fact, let this rather melodramatic advert do some of the talking:
It claims to boost self-confidence, although quite how that works after the indignity of buying and applying it is anyone’s guess. The main ingredient, alum, is used for its alleged blood coagulant and soothing properties. Alum is, as the makers put it, “one of the best ingredients you can find in a vagina tightening product.” Which begs the question, what is the *worst* ingredient you can put in? Answers to the usual address, please. For those of you keen on research, here’s a few other things alum is used for:
- Pickling and preservation of fruit and vegetables
- An alternative to pomade
- An acidic compound in baking powders
- Prevention of rotting in taxidermy
- In Nigeria it’s used to remove snail slime before cooking.
It is also flame retardant, so don’t worry if the sex is super hot; you won’t catch fire. Alum is also present in the Play-Doh manufacturing process. The temptation to roll your private parts into a funny shape would be unbearable. The big question is, if indeed you’re still keen on applying this plasticine hair-gel snail-slime-removing sex aid onto your special lips, does it actually work? The purchase website is chock full of ‘customer testimonies’ which seem both real and fake by virtue of the alarming number of spelling and grammatical errors. ‘Jasmin’, 32, from LA, writes that “my gf tried 18 again shrink cream and it works there was tightness like i have never experienced you should try it the longer you wait the better it works.” Ok Jasmin! We’ll get to it right away! While people are mostly free to do as they wish, products like these tend to attract the desperate and emotionally vulnerable. Stick to pelvic floor exercises if it’s a concern. Oh, and ladies, if you’re other half is always on at you about the problem, try telling them to go fuck themselves instead.
