Retro Porn Review – The Vixens of Kung Fu

August 31, 2014
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With the growing interest for martial art films in the United States in the mid 70s, and well-received influential kung fu movies like The Way of the Dragon and Five Fingers of Death, a trendy kung fu porn flick was bound to happen sooner or later.

The Vixens of Kung Fu, set in a seemingly calm countryside and narrated by the obligatory old-man-with-bad-Chinese-accent that was a staple of the genre, immediately alerts us that we’re about to hear a tale of Yin and Yang. Of course, the duality of these concepts is portrayed as woman (Yin) and man (Yang).

But just when we thought we were in some remote Chinese pasture, a white prostitute gets approached by three super creepy guys. Yes, another uncomfortable gang rape in the woods. You know, writing this column is starting to make me think it was a weird recurring fantasy back in the 70s. At least this time, the men shot her with some tranquilizers, so she was mostly unconscious and there was no major struggle or blood. Having said that, the bluegrass music they chose for this scene in the background makes it even more inappropriate somehow.

Not that the soundtrack isn’t good. It’s generally pretty tight and eclectic, not to mention for the first third of the movie or so, it seems to change radically depending on the sexual partner our leading lady had each time.

http://youtu.be/qKBkE5ZeNo0

Our lovely hooker (the character had no name, but was played by Bree Anthony) was found naked on a beach, where another hot white girl — who also happened to be a kung fu master — found her and took her home. After a little oily sensual massage and generous foreplay (because, obviously, that’s what a person who’s just been raped wants from a stranger as she wakes up, right?), the kung fu teacher (also no name, played by C.J. Laing) asked: “How long have you been in New York?”

And this is just one of the many head-scratching moments of the film.

The prostitute claimed she tried to get away from her lifestyle, but on her way to the countryside, hunters knocked her unconscious and raped her; destroying all her confidence to start a new life. However, her sex drive somehow seemed intact, and she didn’t waste another second getting it on with the teacher.

The kung fu lessons then start, with several girls meditating naked in good looking, but long scenes. Most of the film locations are outdoors, and there are a couple of interesting positions involving trees.

The overacting gets a little funny sometimes. Not sure if it’s on purpose, but it’s still amusing.

But nothing can prepare you for the naked fighting scenes! Hilariously bad stuff that you can’t help but laugh at. The editing is arranged so it’ll chop the scene for the jumps to look very quick. This is where you realize they were always in on the joke.

I’ll give them this: It is not a predictable movie. While the storyline clearly pointed towards a revenge action, it never even addressed the incident again, nor why the hooker ended up there in the first place.

I’d tell you about the rest of the movie, but to be honest I’m not very sure I understand what happened. And I’m not really sure Bill Milling — in his first directorial effort — knew either. This is definitely not an essential film, but it does get the dubious honor of having perhaps the most absurd ending I’ve ever seen in a movie, porn or otherwise. Really weird stuff!

Retro Porn Review – The Vixens of Kung Fu 1 vote

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