Who doesn’t love a good ol’ western? In theory, Teenage Cowgirls was fairly promising. The poster looks badass and has quotes like “Hilarious! Best western sex film yet.” (The second part may still be kind of truth, as it’s not like they’re very frequent.) The idea of a young John Holmes (under the name “Long John Wodd”) as an outlaw in a western made in 1973, the year porn made it big and had thousands of regular people going to theaters, seemed like it couldn’t miss.

Holmes is, of course, our leading man. His name is Rio and he’s running from whatever passes as the law, after robbing a bank. Still, whenever he finds the time to take advantage of a passing lonely woman, he can fit that into his schedule.

Rio has a partner in crime, Duke Grandé (French liberties taken, I guess.) Together they’re planning the next move after running away with their $45,000 haul. As they’re looking for food and shelter for the night, they find a cranky farmer, tired of working on his own, while his woman (who is surprisingly black, considering this is supposed to be the late-1800s) complains about needing new shoes and a dress. Duke spots this woman and her sister, who is bathing out in the open and quickly decides he’d like some of that. They’re invited to stay, with the added benefits that were sure to please Rio and Duke.

It should also be noticed that the name of the movie is a little misleading, as none of these cowgirls look particularly “teenage” to me. Sure, the term has always been used pretty loosely in the industry, but most of the girls in the film are well into their late 20s and early 30s. Don’t get me wrong, I actually prefer it that way, but it needs to be pointed out.

It’s not often that you get country music as a porn soundtrack. While some of the standards are actually from pretty well known artists (Tammy Wynette has a few songs in it, as do Sonny and Cher), it does feel kind of strange and it slows the pace down a little too much.

It wouldn’t be a western, though, without a gun showdown. A man called Hendricks, a bounty hunter who spends all the movie tracking our anti-heroes without saying much, draws with Rio; yet an odd moral moment – especially considering all these men have done in the past hour – makes the showdown pretty damn anti-climactic.

The sets were good and it doesn’t feel like a low budget film trying too hard to make a western, and that’s perhaps the biggest accomplishment of the movie. Other than that, the sex scenes aren’t particularly exciting, the acting leaves a lot to be desired, and it’s a slow movie. Maybe I expected too much, but Teenage Cowgirls ended up just being quite disappointing.