Retro Porn Review – Starship Eros

June 21, 2015
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Retro Porn Review - Starship Eros

Science fiction is a tough sub-genre to pull off in porn, as the budget for cool-looking sets and special effects tends to be infinitely smaller than those of their mainstream counterparts.

Having said that, the Star Wars phenomenon was an undeniable hit in the late 70s, and the adult industry was also very aware that their own demographics included many sci-fi fans. Parodies of many film genres were — and still are — the norm, so a handful of dirty movies in space were simply going to happen.

Starship Eros is Scott McHaley’s first film. Set in a “futuristic” 1995, it doesn’t age particularly well — as, to be fair, is the case with most views of the future. It doesn’t help that we’re living 20 years after this “future.”

If you’re like me, and accuracy is important for you, this is the kind of flick that makes you cringe way before you press play. On the other hand, here’s some good news: Starship Eros’ plot (or lack thereof) is absurd and irrelevant enough for you to throw any expectation out the window just a few minutes into the movie.

Lily Rodgers plays Commander Venus from the Feminist Regime Starfighter Eros (I know, I know.) And in true sci-fi fashion she starts the movie masturbating on a hot tub, downing a delicious tropical drink, and ordering a mustachioed Mike Ranger to fuck her on the patio furniture before going to work.

If you think that doesn’t make sense, that’s just the start. It’s kind of unclear what this crew’s tasks are. They’re piloting a spaceship, that much is known. There seems to be a lot of masturbation involved, while putting off any of the real work that’s being ordered to them (I’m not judging here, I do the same thing when it’s time to write these reviews).

All the people inside the ship are women, except for a dude wearing a C3PO mask (also played by Ranger) whose upper half is said to be robotic, and bottom half is “just like a man”. Quasar (because calling it C3PO would’ve been another copyright problem to deal with) is there to please when needed, as apparently is everyone else.

If someone is new to the crew, their initiation is sexual. If someone interrupts masturbation time, they’re asked to join in. If someone procrastinates on their mission by sucking Quasar’s dick, they have to be punished… by being stripped down, played with and sprayed with a ray gun that might be painful, or pleasurable, or both.

1979 held a higher standard for feature porn films, and this is one of the bad examples. Some shots are alright, but there’s no plot, the acting is terrible and the sex is not particularly memorable. However, if you ever wanted to see Mike Ranger fucking a couple of girls while wearing half of a droid costume, then I guess this is for you.

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