Retro Porn Review – Starlet Nights

March 29, 2015
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Retro Porn Review - Starlet Nights

Starlet Nights was the last directorial release by Joseph Bardo, whose adult filmmaking credits used to go under the Lisa Barr pseudonym.

What you wouldn’t get from the title is that this is a loose adaptation of Snow White into a porn movie, although only a few details match the classic fairytale.

Bardo’s own resume include being the cinematographer for the 1976 X-rated version of Alice in Wonderland, but while that one featured a much higher budget and an even bigger pool of oddness, Starlet Nights keeps itself slightly more grounded.

The interesting part about this porn adaptation of Snow White — aside from all the nudity and graphic sex — is that the story doesn’t revolve around Snow, but her hot step-mother Joyce White. You see, Joyce is a Hollywood actress with moderate success and an astounding sexual appetite and who happens to be married to the well providing – and often-out-of-town – Dr. White.

Joyce (played by Lesllie Bovee in one of her last roles in the industry) often had vivid sexual fantasies, and her mirror was there to help her out — not just visually; dudes that came from inside the mirror joined the needy housewife for routine morning threesomes. Joyce was also very vain, and wanted her mirror to reassure her she was the fairest of them all on a daily basis. The mirror — just like in the original story — told her it wasn’t her anymore, but the younger and virginal Snow (played by the beautiful redhead Candy Nichols in her only movie ever). Unlike the original, Joyce resents the 19-year-old Snow for taking so much of her husband’s time and attention. The jealousy doesn’t come so much for the physical attributes of the teenager, but for Joyce’s own marital insecurities — which honestly makes for a more interesting premise.

Joyce plan is not out to get rid of Snow; just prove to her dad that his little princess is a big slut as well. For this, she covers an apple with a magic liquid she calls “Love Potion 69”, which is supposed to drive anyone wild. She decides to recruit her agent, Elmer Happy, and his secretary, Lois Sneazy  (because dwarfs would have made the logistics a little complicated, I’m assuming), to help her get Snow White into an industry orgy and show Snow’s sex-crazed side to her dad.

The problem is Dr. White was flying away that day, and wasn’t around to witness all of this (probably for the best, Dr. White!) But big shot producer Aron Grumpy (of course) was in attendance, so Joyce made sure she got first dibs on the guy who could give her a starring role in his new TV show “Charlie’s Devils.” The rest of the orgy belongs to Snow, who joyfully welcomes any finger that comes upon her.

Considering a lot of the performers were amateurs, the acting is generally pretty decent. Bovee, the only true pro in the whole film, was believable as the wicked queen-type, and her sex scenes were pretty cool. The original soundtrack is also solid. If you make the (very recommended) choice of not taking any of this too seriously, it’s an enjoyable movie.

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