Retro Porn Review – Pastries

June 29, 2014
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When we watch a film that’s several decades old, we usually notice elements of the movie’s everyday lifestyle that simply couldn’t happen today. This is particularly true in 70s porn, and specifically true for Pastries.

For instance, there might not be a more obvious sign of how much the times have changed than watching a smiling Uschi Digard get on an international flight, walk by customs without any complications nor exhaustive TSA checking and continue telling her story.

Of course, there are also several instances of a non-existent political correctness, including, but definitely not limited to, a solid example of not-all-that-consensual sex to close the movie, buried under a joke-y excuse. I’m not particularly offended by it nor will I try to stage any outrage. I know that I’m watching a silly 70s comedy-farce meant to serve as an excuse for smut, and I’m far removed from being a PC guy, but I’d still appreciate a less hammy approach sometimes.

Released in 1975, most of Pastries is actually a previous film by the director, Joseph F. Robertson, called A Touch of Sweden. The impressively voluptuous Swedish legend Uschi Digard stars as Sherry Bignurse, a lively woman who’s back in her home country telling stories to a very eager – and evidently story-starved – young Swedish friend about her life in America, especially her romanticization of Hollywood.

Sherry tells her story in classy fashion, while we keep seeing the real events being a lot less glamorous, which works as a comedic effect. Sherry is supposed to be a famous actress, but the actual films she’s in are not exactly the big Tinseltown productions she’s talking about (Aww, the joys of lying in an internet-less world!) So Sherry takes a job as a nurse, in order to “give back” – and earn a living, I suppose, but that part’s left out of the story.

The situations are as bizarre as you can think of, but the one constant seems to be that these nurses keep fucking a very eccentric cast of characters. However, there’s a significantly big and obvious problem with this movie: Since it was an older 1971 film and meant as a sexploitation piece that was so common back then, it didn’t have any explicit sex. So what did the producers do? Simply added some grainy, random hardcore footage that has nothing to do with the actual story. It’s basically like someone said, “Alright guys, we got a whole plot already filmed with some very nice and naked Swedish babes. What if we just add some random smut at editing and just take lunch? Chinese, anyone?”

Even if you look at the hardcore porn transitions/interruptions as a light-hearted gag, it gets a little tedious after a while. General sense of humor has changed with time, too, of course. Once you see the same resource being used several times, it loses all its power.

So, a reason to watch this film? Uschi Digard’s all-natural curves are definitely one. I’d skip this version and watch the original A Touch of Sweden, though. Obviously not as explicit porn, but as the intended sexploitation farce. If you’re craving some actual graphic sex, there are literally millions of other options to supplement this with.

Retro Porn Review – Pastries 3 votes

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