Retro Porn Review – Here Comes the Bride

January 4, 2015
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Retro Porn Review - Here Comes the Bride

Boasting one of the oldest arguments in slut-shaming insecurities, Here Comes the Bride follows a horny woman’s need to lie in order to secure herself a husband, all while making sure she’s still getting some on the side.

The film stars a very-new-to-the-business Samantha Fox — it was reportedly the first movie the legendary starlet ever shot — as Rhonda, a young girl with a voracious sexual appetite. When she met Tom (played by David Morris), though, she knew she wanted something different from him. He was “husband material”, she claimed. And so she told Tom she was saving herself for marriage, and proceeded to reject the man’s advances all the way to the altar. She argued that she’d want her husband to respect her, and think of her as a pure and virginal woman. Still, out of Tom’s sight there was no penis or vagina she’d say no to.

Now married, Tom shows us his patience paid off in a romantic night in with the wife. Sitting by the fire in that classically annoying movie cliché way, they reminisce about their relationship. Every step of the way is there to remind us of a cute moment in their history — with some added major blue balls for Tom — while Rhonda always manages to sneak out and satisfy her grueling sexual needs somewhere else while she keeps the virginity charade going for one more day.

So we get to see different moments of their dating history. When they met — followed by Rhonda’s threesome with two random dudes; on a very awkward double date at the drive-in — including Rhonda blowing a stranger on her way to the bathroom; and even her bachelorette party, which cuts the bullshit right away and gets into a massive orgy where Rhonda apparently fucks any man and woman she’s ever met.

The film is very cheesy, from the storyline, to the sets, to the mostly poor acting. Samantha Fox does a good job, even if she was still a little green acting-wise. Most sex scenes are inspired and look rather good, although the bad disco music ruined it for me a bit. It’s rare for me to complain about a vintage porn soundtrack from 1978, but this one’s quite sub-par, and you need to remember music was all over the sex scenes in those days, so this can matter a great deal.

Having said that, watching a young Samantha Fox in action, fucking, lying and smoking weed, kind of makes up for the film’s shortcomings and clichés.

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