Retro Porn Review – Dracula Sucks

March 1, 2015
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Retro Porn Review - Dracula Sucks

In spite of its title, Dracula Sucks is definitely not a parody, nor a half-assed attempt at a vampire-based spoof. It is actually not a bad porn adaptation of the classic Bram Stoker novel, and heavily influenced by the Tod Browning film.

This is a refreshing throwback to when Dracula stories were somber and dark, before the Twilights of the world watered the genre down. It also doesn’t hurt that it featured an all-star cast of late-70s porn stars, with several performers being reasonably capable actors as well.

Jamie Gillis played Count Dracula, which is sort of what you’d expect. The highly Lugosi-influenced performance was on par with what Gillis got us accustomed to during the porno chic days; the guy could handle an elegant evil role like no other hardcore actor of his time.

The Count comes into town looking for his Countess, the beautiful and virginal Mina (played by the always spectacular Annette Haven), who seems to be the chosen one for him.

As he moves next to the old sanitarium, Dracula meets an array of people that seem more like a who’s who of classic adult cinema: Serena, John Holmes, Kay Parker, John Leslie, Seka and Paul Thomas all live in this madhouse, and soon their lives will be greatly affected by this new mysterious presence.

Mainstream actor Reggie Nalder plays Van Helsing, in (thankfully, for everyone) a non-sexual role that adds some nice extra cred to the porn cast.

This Count has a predilection for biting boobs over necks, for the most part. Uncommonly scary scenes include John Holmes getting his dick bit by a hot vampire maid. Also, there was a somewhat weirdly tender necrophilia scene. Kay Parker — who’s no stranger to a committed incest role — plays John Leslie’s sister on this one, and has an odd sex scene with his brother as an interesting cure for his anxiety attack.

The score is mostly classical stuff, and it fits the film rather well. While some of the effects are obviously not very good, the movie is well shot and it doesn’t feel nearly as low budget as it was. This was Phillip Marshak’s first directorial effort, and it was the one that got his name at the helm of a porn/horror hybrid that’s developed a sizable cult following.

Some of the sex scenes are rather quick, mostly used as side stories for what was happening in the plot, which is definitely an uncommon approach in porn. To be fair, the sex on this version of the movie is a bit limited and tame, as the film’s plot takes center stage. If you’re not into the story, can’t be bothered by lengthy acting performances and wish this was less about the undead and more about straight fucking, then check out the other version, titled Lust at First Bite for more uncut sex scenes — though a lot less actual story. But if you just want to see the version with more artistic merits, Dracula Sucks is as good as you’ll find in this sub-genre.

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