So You CAN Always Get What You Want

April 12, 2014
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Remember the good old days when you could look at the tiny instruction leaflet that came with condoms and get a little turned on by that cartoon penis getting all good and protected? Or maybe the cartoon Y shape that was to signify a vagina on the similar leaflet that came with tampons?


Or perhaps you were already more hardcore than me, finding refuge in the pages of what used to seem like a sexy catalogue but was actually just advertising Targets mid year underwear sale. Look at those same pages now and they’d probably stir little response, you may actually even look at the prices rather than the scantily clad, girl-next-door-semi-babe and think, “those guys at Target, they really know how to price a pair of jocks.”

On a recent trip to Turkey a friend of mine complained about being unable to access porn because of their stringent content blocking on the country’s wifi. Neither of us being tech savvy, we failed to get through to any of our favorite sites. On an undercover mission I pinched what I’d hoped was a rather saucy brochure at a lingerie store and popped it in his bag. Upon its discovery I was saddened to find that it just didn’t cut the mustard; there were no boners in a 20-mile radius. My dear friend would have to rely on something he probably hadn’t used in even longer than a catalogue – his imagination, at least until we crossed the border to somewhere a little less Muslim.

Maybe you’re into ladies in gas masks… well you can probably find it out there on the Internet!

PornMD now has a live feed of what all you weirdoes are searching for and it’s clear we’ve all come a long way from those innocent instruction manuals. Like junkies who up their dosage until their eventual demise, I fear what will happen once people have become accustomed to “old man sucking boobs, finger peehole” and “real sister creampies”- all terms that have casually popped up on my screen after just one minute watching the live feed. Perhaps it’s true that some of the searches are manipulated, but I think it’s still safe to say that we are all pushing the boundaries. Remember when anal sex was taboo? Most couples don’t and are probably looking for what’s next.

One thing I can say with complete certainty – if you’re ever looking for a great band name, rapper’s pseudonym or an author’s nom de plume, this is the place to go. Dibs on Lady Bombshell Rim!

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