So it’s the dead of summer, the sun is shining like a tripped-out mega lamp, ladies are dressed like they may as well be naked, all that glorious facial hair is backfiring on you, and you’ve just fallen ill of a cold or something (no matter how little it should be possible). You’re sneezing and dribbling from the nose, your throat all in painful shambles, and you think, “Why now, body? Why now?” It’s unfair, for sure, especially when you see your compatriots heading to the beach while you stare out the window in contemptuous, jealous silence, but it’s not the end.
Being ill in the summer, even if you’re not in the universe of education and are working anyway, is the worst time to be under the weather. Everyone is craving the outdoors, and you’re forced to choose between continual mild/medium illness while trying to enjoy yourself in the sand, or dipping into a supreme bout of antisocial behavior. We all know that when ill, the only thing to do is to rest, and that’s suffocating, especially during the summer.
Knowing this happenstance injustice in sunny times, I’ve compiled a list of things to do that’ll maintain your rad summer, while also making the beach look boring.
The House Manatee
This maneuver is for lazy folks who want to level up their sloth behavior. What you have to do is bring every single item you need into one room, including medicines, foods, computerized entertainment units, and cushions. If you have to move more than one or two steps, you’ve failed at this ultimate laziness that’ll be so comforting your body will have to heal.
The Trivia Monster
While sick and stuck to the house, use the time to become an insane expert in one bit of media. Watch every single episode of Friends, Scrubs, Cheers, or some other popcorn show until you’ve burned it into your mind and can speak only in quotes from the program. Your friends will think you’re crazy, while actually being kinda jealous with their mushy, blank minds.
The Good Will Hunting
First, watch this movie. Then, inspired, choose a topic (has to be pretentious enough to make random people at a bar be like, “Who this smartass?”), Wikipedia it, read all the links, then maybe skim an academic book or two, and finally, cultivate that knowledge to be used when it would make you seem like a jerk, but a jerk that everyone aspires to be.
The Jack Donaghy
If you’re ill with a cold or something that takes rest and time to defeat, you can actually continue your descent into summer drunkenness. On the show 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin’s awesome exec character would stare out of windows and drink scotch in silence, contemplating important things. Now that you’re alone and kinda bitter about it, do that very activity. As an added bonus, scotch or bourbon is really good for killing all those germs in your throat (said that one bartender in the south of Spain who was always right), and making you feel hella business.
The Fruit Massacre
Fruit is really good for you when you are ill, so go to town on as many fruits as possible, but not raw and boring. Get yourself a blender and make massive, giant fruit smoothies. Or add fruits to every meal you eat, like handmade jams and whatnot. Being sick doesn’t mean you have to eat garbage; this is one instance in which you want to shirk laziness, because tasty, healthy foods will do the body damn good. Also, if you can figure out what The Soup Man Cometh is, do that too.
The Master Nerd
This last idea is a bit sad, as it involves playing with yourself a bit too much (don’t be gross). Basically, being sick and alone can fill you with rage, but most people never channel it, allowing it to fester whilst lazing around. What you should do instead is remember every time you’ve lost at a board or video game, feel the pain, and channel that into playing it by yourself or against computerized opponents until you are so good at it, that you will actually lose friends (turns out, they were opponents) over your mastery. Remember, they are at the beach laughing at your misfortune. Use that anger; they deserve a crushing defeat at your hands.
Don’t think these are good ideas? You can always post your alternatives to what to do while feeling ill in the heat of the summer, below. Your ideas may come in handy (already done everything on my list; damn you, germs!).