That One Relationship: Doubts

January 17, 2014
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Continuing on from Part III of That One Relationship, Jimmy Yitzak now talks about trying to silence those niggling doubts in the face of the inevitable…

We finally scheduled a night to meet. My friend begged me to meet him in a neutral area but I didn’t listen. All I wanted to do was meet with him, see his beautiful face and his kind smile. I wanted him to hold me and make me feel safe because I didn’t feel safe. I also had a lot to get off my chest and knew I had to write it all down because I would forget it. That neutral space was anything but. I met him at his apartment. He knew what I wanted to talk about but then he started laughing when I pulled out my journal to look at everything I wanted to say. Even after I explained the list he chuckled. I ignored it and pressed on. I explained how he broke my trust and how hard it will be to gain that back. He listened and apologized and said he it would never happen again. I believed him and we agreed to move forward. It was not easy. It took months to get that trust back and to have those feelings of hurt diminish enough to feel comfortable. We started going to yoga together and that seemed to help for a time.

It was now Spring and things started to feel better until we came back to his apartment one night and I noticed there were two almost empty glasses of scotch on his night stand. Now at his place, there was no living room. He would hang out in his bedroom. He also didn’t have many, if any, friends in NYC yet. All the people that he knew were friends with his brother and his brother’s fiancee. I also knew that the only scotch he had was the bottle I had bought him. Immediately when we entered the room he started cleaning up and the first things he went for were the glasses. I didn’t say anything but I made a mental note.

That One Relationship 4

It was a few days later and he and I were having little petty fights about nothing really. He then suddenly said that he wanted a break. He wanted to take some time to be by himself and sort out his feelings. I told that it would be hard for me to not see him as I thought we were doing well but I acquiesced and gave him some time. This break consisted of him contacting me every so often to shoot the shit and tell me he missed me. I would always get so happy when he would tell me that because I thought that would mean we would get back together.

The break lasted a good three weeks. I had kept myself busy. I went to a few parties but I also blew off my friend Craig’s birthday party because I was having a very stressful week at work and all I wanted to do was to go to bed and watch some TV. It was coming up to Passover and a month before he had invited me to a Passover dinner at his brother’s house. I had assumed I was no longer going to that because we were on a break. Wrong!

In the days leading up to the dinner he begged me to come with him. I agreed because I felt wanted and at that time it was a good feeling. I met him at his house and I was a bit cold to him. I was trying to keep my walls up so I wouldn’t do anything I would regret. Well, he knew me well enough to get through those walls and the next thing I knew we were in bed together. I felt bad about myself a little but with him curled up next to me and holding, I was able to work through those feelings for now. Once we got to the dinner all of his brother’s friends were happy to see me again. They were all genuinely nice people that I got along with.

The haggadot (the book you read out of on Passover) were passed out and everyone was to sign the copy their haggadah. Since there weren’t enough, my guy and I shared one. I wrote my name in it and then below my name wrote his and then added a “plus” sign between our names to signify that we were together. He then grabbed my hand and proceeded to hold it through much of the dinner. I guess the break was over. We never actually talked about ending the break. We just continued on as a couple.

I’m never one to obsessively check my partner’s Facebook page but happened to be on his one day and I noticed he was friends with some new guy that I had common friends with. It was never mentioned that he had made a new friend or anything but I started to get a feeling. My alarms were going off. I told myself that I was being crazy and when I did mention something he told me I was being crazy. Was I crazy or was it my intuition trying to tell me something?

To be continued…

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