Game of Thrones: The Death of Kings

April 17, 2014
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Ding-dong, the shit is dead, the shit is dead,

Ding-dong, the little shit is de-e-e-e-a-a-a-ad!

But for many of us, the death of Games of Thrones worst, foulest, stinkiest little turd-bag, sadistic sack of hormonal insecurity and entitlement King Joffrey, was over too, too quickly. A swig of poison, a bit of croaking, a couple of tiny rivulets of blood followed by some eye-popping and a bit of turning blue… and it was all over.

Sure, it made us all very, very happy, while it was happening, but it was like ejaculating after only a couple of ins and outs. Yes, the orgasm is still a lot of fun, absolutely, but afterwards… well… you know what I’m getting at.

Game of Thrones

I suppose there’s an argument for saying that from the point of view of narrative justice – an argument that in itself probably merits its own goblet of liquid rat killer – Joffrey’s rather pathetic death would have been more of an insult to his dying ego and sense of invincibility than had he been slowly peeled to extinction in a tub of vinegar (and, yes, producers of Game of Thrones, you can use that as a way of offing another major character).

To which I say: sod narrative justice! Give me the sense of validation, please, that only comes from a juicy bit of righteous vicarious visceral vengeance! Everything – and I mean everything – that happened to the guests at the Starks’ ill-fated ‘Red Wedding’ (one more reason why you should never, never have a themed wedding) should have been visited upon Joffrey. I mean, flipping heck, look what happened to Theon Greyjoy.

Game of Thrones

Still, what’s done is done, and Joffrey’s death opens up the playing field once more for all those sweet kingly chess-like machinations and intrigues. Who’s the next thoroughly evil bastard going to be, though? No one I can use to vent my pent up frustration at adolescence, that’s for sure. Oh well, back to shooting paint balls at the windows of the local school.

In the meantime, I suppose I’d better just bite my nails and worry about what’s going to happen to Tyrion Lannister, almost the only truly likable, multi-dimensional character out of the whole bloody lot of them.

Oh and one more thing. You lot out there in the Twitterverse and Facebook… stop assuming we’ve all read the books and giving shit away! Or a “Red Comments Day’ is coming your way. Beware, there might not be dragons… but there are plenty of trolls.

Next week our coverage of season 4 of Game of Thrones continues in earnest.

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