The Second Amendment Needs An Amendment

June 9, 2014
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Boy, some folk just really love their guns. And it doesn’t matter how many innocent people have to die because of it – just ask Joe the Asshole… sorry I mean Joe the Plumber, whose name, thanks to the torrent of slurry that belches from his throat-pipe, no longer refers to a professional vocation so much as it describes what Joe does to the depths of stupidity. Joe’s latest mouth-turd was aimed at the parents of those murdered by Elliott Rodger during his killing spree this last May. Here’s what Joe said:

“Harsh as this sounds – your dead kids don’t trump my Constitutional rights.”

What a guy!

See, there’s the sweet nugget in all of this, the one all those gun-lovin’ whack-jobs out there cling to like a semen stain to an intern’s dress: the right to bear arms, as set down in the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution. Of course, the fact that something as apparently solid as a constitution can be amended at all pretty much proves its diaphanous, mutable nature and is therefore reason enough to tell people to shut the hell up about it.

It was also every Australian’s unchangeable, immutable constitutional right to wave a substitute penis – I mean, gun – about… until it wasn’t, when they amended their gun laws. And guess what happened… since then, the country hasn’t had to suffer one mass killing. Previous to the amendment, Australia averaged one such massacre every year.

Getting back to the U.S., you kind of have to wonder where the amendment is that says people have the right to go about their everyday lives without being shot to death by an over-entitled, barely post-pubescent dick-weed with deep insecurity issues. Then again, a law that allows for no guns… well… it doesn’t sell many guns, does it?

The Second Amendment Needs An Amendment
Elliott Rodger in the YouTube video he posted shortly before going out on a killing spree…

The NRA…

Also banging the penile freedom-to-jizz-bullets drum, we have the National Rifle Association (the NRA), the randy heat-crazed puppies humping and panting at the leg of the lucrative arms industry. The NRA believes passionately that it is every American’s patriotic duty to put up with the risk having their brains blown out in the name of freedom. Unless it’s the freedom to walk about without fear, in which case, screw you.

Just take a look at the ‘open carry’ enthusiasts that hairy-knuckled through Georgia and Texas recently, thanks to a law that basically said, ‘Hey, if you’ve got a gun, why not let everybody know about it!’ A report in cited the example of a group of parents and children who were forced to leave their little league activities in the park because a man turned up and waved his gun about, in full compliance with said new law, meaning the police had no powers to move the douchebag on. As Salon more or less put it, if you have a gun, your freedom is worth more. What happens to society if you have to use a gun to get your way or win an argument? Well, maybe presidential debates would get more interesting…

The Second Amendment Needs An Amendment
A typical freedom-loving patriot exercising her constitutional right…

Well, okay then…

I guess if it all comes down to this (dubious at best) right to bear arms bullshit, then maybe what all those people who don’t like guns need to do is take the Second Amendment to its most extreme degree. The gun lobby and the NRA have equated that right with guns – because somebody makes a big tidy profit from that, regardless if it’s a ‘bad’ man who’s been killed or a classroom full of school kids. But guns are expensive. Not everyone can afford a shooter, so what about their freedom?

I say the government starts issuing licenses for other weapons, so that those who don’t earn enough money to protect their constitutional freedom with bullets have other options open to them. Think of it as, say, the Affordable Harm Act… or AHA! That way, if you can’t have a gun, you can at least get yourself a baseball bat… or a brick wrapped in barbed wire to hang off a chain and you carry that about with you. Then you could get together in a group and take a coach to Washington – or anywhere else the wealthy and the powerful hang out – and exercise your constitutional right to walk about there, swinging your barbed wire-wrapped brick on a chain about in a perfectly legal way.


If people complain, you can call them out for being un-American, unpatriotic freedom-haters. Maybe they’ll get carted off to Gitmo. Unless they have guns, of course, in which case you’ll find yourself on the losing side of that particular political dispute and had better take your barbed wire-wrapped brick on a chain elsewhere.

The Second Amendment Needs An Amendment
Even without the brick and barbed wire, a chain is a great accessory…

Of course, being legally permitted to carry a barbed wire-wrapped brick on a chain might hurt the profits of the gun manufacturers… but if those gun manufacturers are good, patriotic, freedom-loving Americans, they’ll understand – and applaud the fact – that their earnings come second to the Second, as it were. Plus, a little competition is healthy for a market, right? It’s what capitalism and free enterprise is all about. Perhaps the barbed wire-wrapped brick on a chain/gun competition will be the Coca-Cola/Pepsi rivalry of the 21st Century. Heck, maybe you’ll end up with permits for both! Everybody wins!

And when all’s said and done, more people would be able to get away from an over-entitled, barely post-pubescent dick-weed with deep insecurity issues wielding a barbed wire-wrapped brick on a chain than they would an over-entitled, barely post-pubescent dick-weed with a gun. That makes the barbed wire-wrapped brick on a chain the societally safer way to protect your freedom. That would have to make it the more attractive purchase, especially for parents.

So there you have it… write to your congressman or congresswoman today, implore them to get the ‘AHA!’ codified into law. It’s only fair to the majority of hard-working, low-income American families, after all. In the meantime, start wrapping barbed wire around bricks… and get ready to ride that freedom train, baby!

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