Evening approaches and many a denizen of office spaces, loft apartments, and overpriced coffee houses begin to sniff about the local watering holes for prey. The hunt is on, and males of the species approach their targets to determine who among the predators is the alpha, and who must endure a long weekend of .gifs, free online MMOs, and cheese balls. Those sitting alone with their vittles and nectar watch as the illusive mate is snatched up by the proud asshole, who shall flaunt his conquest for many a day to come. What a dick.
The mating event is rather curious. Such a confounding series of niceties and awkward snarls, all for naught, the most successful creatures utilizing direct and dickish asshole plumage to win the favor of the elegant humaness. The asshole wins the day with a series of tactics to render their prey unable to resist, while the next day that prey tells the meek, affable beta, “That guy was such an asshole! I’m so lucky you’re my friend, Norm!” Hang in there, you miserable animal.
Such pathetic creatures, caught in a cycle youths of the species describe by saying, “I’ll never get a girl cause they only like assholes,” engineer their own downfall, and are urged by leading researchers to, in fact, take on the mantle of the asshole.
“Studies” have shown that assholes are successful in the sexual arena because of a trait known as confidence. Although that very creature will probably meet their demise alone in the long run, their short term success derives from stating their intention upon engaging with their prey, leaving no room for mental faculties to develop “mood killers,” no space for pesky parasites known as “cock blockers,” and the overwhelming sense of “going with the flow.” Social lubricants such as a fine scotch help in this endeavor, but the evidence points heavily in the direction of borrowing the asshole’s direct, confident approach.
Paradoxically, the asshole at heart appears friendly enough, charming the object of their lust by harvesting information, one strategic question at a time. The asshole knows that no one wants to hear of their ability to lift a certain amount of weight above their head whilst grunting, instead creating an individual atmosphere of mystery and bravado while suggesting their prey let down their defenses. Speaking too much about oneself implies eagerness, and nervousness, so studies urge the possible asshole to squawk sparingly.
Appearance is of paramount importance to the asshole. The successful asshole creature dresses and grooms very well, and strides with an air of importance, but doesn’t loom behind potential marks spouting about their “beemers” and “beach pads on the Shore” – subtly mentioning these acquisitions, though, is effective. Potential prey shall observe the confident young creature and judge themselves accordingly. An expertly groomed member of the species passing by prey shall inspire these susceptible individuals to rapidly think, “why’s he not talking to me? What’s wrong with me?” [scientific reconstruction of observed phenomena] An engineered lowering of self-esteem is important to the asshole’s eventual conquest of other creatures. Also, the asshole gains traction by laying hints of skills and abilities, but not overtly, as that may scare off their prey.
However, if during the hunt the prey is able to detect any emotion, any emotion at all, the asshole is compromised and must move on to their next target.
So what can we as a species learn from the great and proud asshole? The successful creature is the confident one, with special attention taken to looking better than the other slobs in their habitat, and planting seeds of lower worth in other creatures, potentiating the need to turn to the asshole for comfort and a reaffirmation of the self-image expertly toyed with by that very asshole to begin with. It’s a complex, majestic dance, in which one alpha creature lords over their environment and has their pick of the creatures to never call again and receive accolades in the form of two hands making swift, physical contact in mid-air. As well, it should be noted that few assholes enjoy true success without a symbiote known as the “wingman,” a slightly lesser animal that serves to make the asshole look even more the champion, like the red-billed oxpecker or orange chromide.
“Science” thusly concludes that being a dick is necessity in finding a mate, while still other scientists say, “well, at least all humans will die soon.”