The Not So Pretty Pleasures of Singledom

November 8, 2013
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Being single sure has its stigma. Single dudes often feel like they’re single for a reason, and want to change that fact as swiftly as possible. Or, they want to sleep with many, many women, all of whom have no personal connection with the dude in question. Both of these paths are viable, but really, what’s wrong about single for a time and just being plain old gross about it?

Here are some activities you can do as a single dude that should bring not shame, but straight up glory, and that feeling of victory for you and only you.

First, make a sandwich that will not fit in your mouth. It doesn’t have to be an all bacon affair, but make it sloppy and greasy, unfit for any civilized gustatory experience. You know that feeling when grease gets all over your hands and you don’t want to touch anything? Well, go smear that on your jeans, find a nice spot on the couch, and metaphorically punch cleanliness and manners in the face.

After you’ve eaten a sloppy sandwich, make sure your kitchen is stocked with beer and various junk foods. We’ll return to these later.

Now for another thing most single dudes need to appreciate: video games. Video games are awesome. Where else can you be one dude ripping another dude’s spine out? Or just punching that dude in question fifty feet in the air and dropkicking him off the universe? When a man can play video games and be covered in what may or may not be pizza grease, that man has found a certain type of enlightenment. Relish in your cheesy snacks and simulated badassery.

Maybe you want to have some friends over? Sweet! You already have the beer and disgusting snack items (not to mention three more controllers for your favorite game system or – if you’re a baller – six more computers hooked up to a LAN network nicknamed “Death Kitchen” or something), you’re ready to welcome other gross dudes into your sweaty cave and just be truly nasty. And what’s more, you can tune that seventh screen to sports!

But what if one of your ugly dude friends wants to invite some ladies over? That’s cool, if you actually hate your mighty singleness and want to give up the leftovers to that super awesome sandwich that would make any lady’s brain melt. Unless that girl likes greasy pizza, Warhammer, and making you feel like a digital pussy all over the LAN network, you don’t want anything rupturing those sweet moments of being single, gross, and ultimately the animal you’ve always wanted to be. Just have a secret eighth monitor for delicious, delicious porn.

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