The Biggest Douchebags of 2014

December 28, 2014
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Biggest Douchebags of 2014

As Peter Griffin once said: “You know what really grinds my gears…?” As it turns out, there’s no real shortage of things, people, events, inanimate objects, insects…well, ANYTHING that has the potential to annoy and embitter us.

…and while we’re taught to count our blessings (which we really, really should), sometimes it’s hard not to focus on the negativity, such is its permeability in life. It’s a chilly day in hell when you don’t turn on your TV or fire up the ‘net to see somebody famous has made a moron of themselves.

While the thought of a rich and successful person sliding down the tubes is an act of passive revenge for some, broader questions about the nature of celebrity, their self-appointed or otherwise position as role models and the perils of wealth and fame abound. Sometimes though, the person is just 100% an absolute, positive, grade A nightmare. That’s life’s rich tapestry for you!

So take all the positivity you can and hold onto it until your knuckles turn white and you start to shake a little bit because you’re gonna need it. We’re profiling ten people who made us grind our teeth in rage, rip newspapers (remember those?) in half and run down the street, naked and screaming in 2014. Or was that just us?

Dick Cheney

Wow. Let’s start easy, huh?! As the Boston Globe noted: “We’ve pretty much reached a point where Dick Cheney can make the most astounding statements on national television and it barely raises an eyebrow. It is just Cheney being Cheney.”

That line was in response Cheney’s brief return to the forefront of US domestic issues; carting himself around the networks to justify the inhumane methods used by the CIA in torturing detained people. It’s hard to call them suspects because an estimated 25% of those held were innocent.

But that doesn’t matter to Dick: “I have no problem as long as we achieve our objective. And our objective is to get the guys who did 9/11 and it is to avoid another attack against the United States.”

It’s unbelievable to think that somebody so relentlessly narrow minded and psychopathic was VP for EIGHT YEARS. As we still tune in to the news each night to see perpetually heightened tension in the Middle East, Cheney is like the specter at the feast. It’s enough to make you lose your appetite.

Rupert Murdoch

The all-powerful media mogul just about gets on everybody’s last nerve. Not content with appearing to control most of the world’s popular media, the Australian gajillionaire pisses a great number of people off by simply existing.

You will have all seen the harrowing footage from the siege at a Sydney café, in which two people and a gunman died, that took place on December 15th. As the news broke that the café had been stormed and the incident ended, Murdoch decided to tweet this little doozy:


Great timing, Rupert! May your 2015 be tedious and horrible, you vampire.

Donald Sterling

Since we started things off with two, rich, old white guys running their mouths, we thought we’d do something a little diff-…oh, hang on. Argh! When will this carousel of horror ever end?!

The now former owner of the LA Clippers was slam dunked out of the game for good after an intensely racist diatribe was recorded and made available online by TMZ Sports in April 2014. Various ‘highlights’ include Sterling telling ex-girlfriend V. Stiviano that speaking to black people is “like talking to an enemy” and a bizarrely complex way of trying to convince to former partner to accept racism. It’s all very strange.

Common sense prevailed as key proponents of the NBA’s past and present joined forces and put the pressure until Sterling was banned for life. Inevitably, a rat’s nest of legal troubles remain and we’ll probably still be talking about this next December. The recording is below but contains language some may find offensive.

Ultimately, Sterling sounds like an insecure, frightened old man with a young, beautiful girlfriend that he fears will run out on him. We’re surprised she didn’t do it earlier!

Adrian Peterson

The Minnesota Vikings running back was charged with assault against his own 4-year-old son after beating him repeatedly with a tree branch and by other methods in September.

Not only stupid enough to abuse his own child, Peterson also doesn’t understand irony. In a text to his wife shortly after he administered the beating, he wrote: “daddy has the biggie heart but don’t play no games when it comes to acting right.”

It’s obvious that Peterson’s helmet hasn’t stopped his brain turning to mush after all those blows to head playing the game.

War Machine

This pro-meathead showed his true colors in 2014. The 33-year-old MMA pro is alleged to have put former girlfriend and adult star Christy Mack in hospital with 18 broken bones, missing teeth, a broken nose and a ruptured liver after an attack and alleged attempted rape.

After going on the run in the aftermath, the man born Jon Koppenhaver was finally apprehended. After a suicide attempt in the cells, War Machine is now on trial. The latest reports have him laughing during proceedings as the 911 call is played. Lovely guy.

Ann Coulter

A last-minute but no less valuable entry to our list of people we’d love to grab by the head and shake for a while, right-wing insect queen Ann Coulter will look back on another 12 months of ill-informed views, outrageous provocation and general nastiness.

We could probably spend a fair bit of time sifting through the rubble of Coulter’s stupid quotes and annoying mannerisms, but she somehow managed to top even herself with this late entry to the list.

Long story short, Coulter is quoted as saying that women who allege to have been raped are just “girls trying to get attention” and, oddly, that rape isn’t rape unless the victim has been “hit over the head with a brick.”

We can think of somebody who we wouldn’t mind hitti…ah forget it. Try not to smash your head on the pavement watching this video of her stupidest moments.

Ray Rice

Another case of testosterone and low intelligence combining to dangerous effect, as former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice was caught on camera knocking his wife unconscious with a single punch.

To add insult to injury, Rice then began a lengthy and undignified process of dragging his wife’s prone body out of the lift and along the floor. The incident only came to light some time after it occurred, and evidence of an NFL cover-up remains.

The whole situation is a disgusting farce and Rice a man of zero honor. The longer he stays away from the game the better.

Dan Blizerian

It’s easy to resent somebody simply because they have a lot of money and lead a lavish lifestyle, but it doesn’t help when they’re quite obviously a little morally questionable and come with a history of violence against women.

This year alone he has been arrested for throwing porn star Janice Griffiths off a roof, kicking another woman in the face during a nightclub brawl and once again in December on allegations of making explosive devices.

We’d suggest turning over a new leaf, Danny Boy…but maybe you should just go away and never come back instead.

Sarah Palin

Just like shooting fish in a barrel, the former VP candidate makes pointing out her rampant stupidity pretty easy but a lotta fun.

2014 has been no different for Palin, who has at one time or another called to send Mexicans back across the ocean, an appearance at a Denver rally in which a few gossips had her down as being more than a little intoxicatedv and…WORST OF ALL…this October she is threatening to throw her hat into the ring for another tilt at life in public office.

As if America doesn’t have enough problems already!

Justin Bieber

Is everyone else really sick of this guy too? If his saccharine music wasn’t enough, we’re now subjected to every single cock-up this pop goblin is a part of.

If he’s not lashing out at fans, he’s pissing in buckets, or speeding, or being caught drunk or making more terrible music.

Such is the fickle nature of pop that Bieber should be old news in a couple of years, but boy oh boy it cannot come soon enough!

Thanks for reading our exhaustive list of some of this year’s most annoying people. Let’s hope 2015 isn’t as bad!

The Biggest Douchebags of 2014 1 vote

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