Senator Ted’s Cruzin’ For a Bruzin’

March 24, 2015
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Senator Ted's Cruzin' For a Bruzin'

On the day that archaeologists claimed to have discovered the derelict remains of a Nazi hideout in Argentina, Texas’ Republican Senator Ted Cruz decided to run away from home and join the Presidential nominee circus. I’m not necessarily saying those two facts are related. We’re just givin’ you the news…

In what promises to be a double-whammy of a bloodbath for viewers and pundits across the world, Cruz will seek the trust of his own before potentially taking the long walk off a short jetty that represents the race to the Oval Office. If anything it’s nice to see a new name in the hat given the obscene chances either Clinton or Bush have of trying to restore their own unique brands of reptilian dynasties to American shores.

But what do we really know about Ted Cruz? All these politician-types… they’re like Stepford Husbands. Most of them have the same color skin and wear the same shiny suits that sparkle with the sweet chime of a hefty price tag but remain dulled by the cheap-looking owner. This guy, this particular automaton, has more than his share of detractors. And why not? He’s in the public eye after all, he deserves the scrutiny.

Well yes, that… and the fact he’s pretty prone to saying dumb things. What else would you expect from the man who in one about turn went from attempting to defund NASA to becoming the overseer of its spending and competitiveness? Logic? Reason? Come on… this is American politics! Choo choo! The ease with which he has batted away scientific evidence and queries that contradict his monotonous narrative is incredible, and were he not in a position of power it’d be pretty funny. But he is and it’s not. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world…

Senator Ted's Cruzin' For a Bruzin'
“Then I’ll shoot you… then you… then you… this is fun!”

Even if his strict anti-immigration policies, keenness on putting the heel to the throat of those outside of his connections and circles and his dangerous evangelical angle, it’s his views on climate change that present even more worries. Here’s another guy that seems to take offense at the notion of trying to make the world a more manageable and habitable place, even with a small effort. Oh, why are the pretty ones always so crazy, Ted?

“You know, back in the ’70s — I remember the ’70s, we were told there was global cooling. And everyone was told global cooling was a really big problem. And then that faded” he told CNN in February 2014, with the bizarre obduracy of somebody who still believes home taping is killing music. No doubt the force of big corporate lobbying is strong in this one, but the sheer denial and lack of compromise is a chilling pre-cursor of what could come. Imagine President Cruz, fingers pointing at the nuclear launch button while the sweat from a boiling Earth sloshes from him.

“Each day I learn what a scoundrel I am,” he admits.

Indeed, his most famous political statement so far is one that was mocked, satirized and left for dead by the roadside:


Sure enough, the vultures began circling no sooner had he left his post-announcement soapbox. Depending on who you ask he’s either anti-women, that he’s prone to wearing cowboy boots in the House and likes the occasional filibustering session. Some even question his eligibility, having been born in Canada. He claims to be remedying this by renouncing the Canadian citizenship he never knew he had in the first place. Hmm. OK then. It’ll be interesting to see some members of the GOP defend Cruz and his eligibility after spending what feels like the past 749 years bleating and gabbling about President Obama’s birth certificate.

”There are people who wonder if faith is real,” Cruz told those in attendance at his announcement. “I can tell you, in my family there is not a second of doubt.” Well, you’d best start praying, Mr. Cruz, because it’s going to be a rough ride from here on out. Let’s hope that those who mock so freely online will make their voices heard where it matters, should the opportunity arise.



Cruz is said to not be well-liked among his Republican colleagues, which really tells you something about how much of a mealy-mouthed, jumped-up oddball this guy must be. Don’t vote for this Cruz and it should be a little more plain sailing.

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