Republicans Attempt to Talk To Millennials

March 19, 2014
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There’s often nothing more cringe-worthy than watching some mad old codger from generations long gone desperately trying to relate to the young by using what they imagine to be their own language; by being ‘hip’ and by ‘twittering’ their ‘with-it-ness’. I mean it’s okay if it’s your grandparents, because they’re your grandparents, and as long as they keep it indoors, then no foul.

Sadly – well, okay, happily for us because this is so good for a laugh – the crazed bunch of geriatrics (some physical, some mental – I mean, mental geriatrics… they’re all mental in the other sense) that make up the Republican Party have decided it would be, like, a totally rad idea to, like, air their skateboarder credentials to the public at large, y’know?

Introducing Scott Greenberg, the GOP’s attempt to connect with the millennial generation by the creation of some monstrous inverted male version of Lena Dunham’s Hannah Horvath in Girls. Please God, please, let the bright sparks at GOP Marketing HQ decide to go the whole way with a web series called ‘Boyz’ (with the ‘z’). Please!

So anyway, Scott is young, he wears a leather jacket and has hipster hair and glasses… and he’s a Republican. Of course he is; he’s worried about gas prices. He’s also worried about the unemployed, specifically the fact that regulations – regulations he doesn’t actually pinpoint – make it so difficult for potential employers to put them to good use. It’s moving really, his concern. Scott cares… it’s just, like the GOP as a whole, he cares in the neoliberal, economically responsible way, presumably by investing in gas and shutting down food banks, which only encourage people to be poor… because nothing motivates poverty like a free lunch!

There’s always something fundamentally tragicomic about the old and wealthy trying to go ‘street’ in order to show the masses that, really, they’re just like you and me, yo! The creation of Scott Greenberg is no exception. Man, if only they’d get Tom Perkins on board to script a few future spots… “Hi, I’m Scott Greenberg, and I think it’s like so not dope, y’all, the way we make the rich feel bad.”

What’s next, I wonder? Ah yes, it’s obvious now I think about it: a Ku Klux Klan high priest ditching the pointy hat and ghost costume and donning a pair of skinny jeans and a pork pie hat to explain to us all why, when all’s said and done, racial segregation is cool. Say hello, everyone, to Scooter Whiteberg.

Below: The GOP’s Scott Greenberg Ads:

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