One Way to Cope with Recession

November 12, 2013
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One can’t help but hear people on a daily basis blaming the economy for all kinds of things. It’s become the new scapegoat in town, topping even the weather, which we all love to reproach. The latest mantra out in the street seems to be: “Fuck this recession,” but do we say it metaphorically or do we mean it literally?

After the collapse of the global economy in 2008, unemployment has skyrocketed in many countries around the world. This means that a lot of couples out there have plenty of free time to retreat to the bedroom for some serious coitus. Singles also have more time to be on the prowl, chasing the elusive one-night stand.

down to business

There are several interesting stats to look at to determine how we approach the current double-dip (no pun intended) recession. If we look at birth rates in the European Union and compare figures from 2005 and 2010; we see that only a handful of countries are on the decline: Latvia, Hungary, Portugal, and Lichtenstein.

Other indicators of sex during the recession could be divorce rates and abortions. Firstly, divorces per 1,000 inhabitants have increased steadily since 1970 while marriages have decreased. Marriage is often synonymous with sexual starvation. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that fewer marriages should mean more shagging.

Abortion is always a controversial topic. Drop the A-word once during Sunday school or at dinner with your conservative friends and you’ll soon find out how fast you can alienate people. Still, let’s just look at the numbers and try to figure out what they are saying. Remember that Mark Twain said there are three kinds of lies: “Lies, damn lies, and statistics.”

Between 2005 and 2010 there hasn’t been that much change within the EU, with one massive exception – Spain. There were 91,664 legally induced abortions there in 2005, but five years later women queued outside abortion clinics like overweight people outside KFC and amassed an increase of 113,031.

Clearly, this doesn’t mean that Spanish women turn homicidal as soon as they start gaining baby-weight. Condoms break, rendering them useless, and the pill is only slightly more than 99 percent effective if used correctly. So, horribly, investing in a Spanish company that produces coat hangers might not be a crazy idea.

It’s really impossible to say if economic downfall leads to more screwing. There’s a myriad of socio-economic factors to look at, probably as many as the amount of proposals to stop the current recession. Here’s another: tell the recession to bend over and shove a fist-shaped butt plug up its ass. That ought to do it.

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