Kim Jong-Un Makes Porn Obligatory

April 1, 2014
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It’s no secret that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un’s father, Kim Jong-il, was a massive movie fan. He reportedly owned over 20,000 videos and DVDs (videos and DVDs are how people used to watch films before the Internet) and even went so far as to kidnap one of South Korea’s most famous film directors, Shin Sang-ok, in 1978.

Well, as they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Little Jong-un’s a movie buff too… except he’s into porn, with a whack-off collection equally as massive as his dear departed daddy’s bottom shelf display.

Kim Jong-Un

What may come as a surprise though is that Kim Jong-un is about to make porn yet another obligatory part of daily life in North Korea, by decreeing that everyone else has to watch it too.

Of course, it’s all about power and prowess so, given the messianic complexes of the ruling dynasty, perhaps it’s NOT such a surprise to discover that Jong-un has made use of computer technology to superimpose his own head onto the ripped, genetically-altered cock-monster playing the main male role.

The movies, which will be shown directly after the nation has pledged allegiance to Jong-un and the State – are all about the adventures of Kim Jong-un as he fights against the insidious encroachment of western capitalism, which is sneaking into North Korea by occupying the country’s impressionable young women.

The threat of course can only be neutralized by the pure, cleansing milk that issues forth from the Exalted One’s ‘Cannon of Righteousness’. Thus it is that Kaptain Kim and his trusty, grotesquely-testicled sidekick, P’Ennis Rod-Man (where Kim got the idea for this insane character no-one has quite managed to work out yet), travel the land, quite literally rooting out baleful western influences – often nestled, incredibly enough, up an unfortunate lady’s bum-hole for some reason (it’s probably some kind of clever political metaphor, the wily Machiavellian devil) – a battle which invariably leads to Kaptain Kim and Rod-Man triumphantly – and literally, as it happens – whitewashing the unclean… um… clean.

Kim Jong-Un

Audiences are obliged to clap and cheer at each heroic thrust of Kaptain Kim’s awesome groin. As you might expect from a state run by a homicidal nutcase, anyone caught not clapping or cheering is swiftly taken away to be shot or, even worse, put in the next movie to be money shot instead.

What Kim Jong-un hopes to achieve with his porn initiative nobody quite knows, or understands, and no one living there is stupid enough to dare ask. Whatever the outcome, the guy’s certainly got balls, even if they have been added by a computer. Let’s hear it for North Korea’s new Dick-tator-in-Chief… Stand Erect for Kim Schlong-Un!

Wait a minute… Rod-Man?

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