Ja! Come All Over Mein Fascist!

June 27, 2014
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During World War II, in an effort to defeat the Nazi menace, a number of strategies were drawn up to send Hitler packing. A great many of those strategies were, and would have seemed at the time, pretty preposterous and so, understandably, most of them we have never even heard about.

That said, I’m given to understand that often the reason we haven’t heard about them is not so much that they weren’t tried but rather were tried in secret and didn’t work. For instance, the bouncing bomb (watch The Dam Busters if you don’t know what I mean), whereby a bomb was lobbed out of a plane across the water like a skimming stone, that against all reason DID work and thus became one of the greatest moments for the Allied Forces during the War.

“Ve VILL shtamp out das wiener naughtiness or I vill shave off mein viskers!”

Anyway, to one of the crazy plans that didn’t happen, because that’s where the fun is after all. The OSS (the Office of Strategic Services) thought they might browbeat Hitler into surrendering by driving him severely potty, since assassination was nigh on impossible and, besides, such an attempt ran the risk of converting ol’ tiny tache into a martyr, which probably would have been a bit of a pooper for the Allied Forces’ morale.

So, driving Hitler insane it was. And how did the OSS figure on doing this? Well, having had it on good faith from a team of psychologists, these devilishly sharp tacticians believed Hitler to be so averse to sex that it positively bordered on the pathological. In which case, they reasoned, were he to be drastically exposed to some serious hardcore pornography, he would suffer a complete nervous breakdown and the War would be won! Hurrah!

Thus the R&D (Research and Development) Division of the OSS – known affectionately as the ‘choirboys’ – began putting together their arsenal of German porn, ready for the moment their perverse plan might be put into action.

Titler’s got you covered now!

Sadly, when that moment came, the RAF Colonel called into the OSS to have this mission explained to him (I really hope the choirboys called their opinion on the matter their missionary position; it’d be such a wasted opportunity otherwise), refused point blank. He wouldn’t risk one pilot on the plan – which apparently consisted of having a bomber drop the porn on Hitler’s bunker during an air raid so that when it was over he would emerge into a world of mind-altering smut.

Thus the Colonel left the offices of the OSS HQ, branding the entire lot of them a bunch of maniacs, and the storyline for potentially the greatest, most entertaining WWII movie ever made, after Escape To Victory of course (which has a plot line as equally unlikely as the OSS porn plan).

Still, it does my heart good to imagine Adolf Hitler crawling from his bunker, blinking the dust from his pale, dead eyes, only to lay them directly on a slightly out of focus, sopping great hairy vagina. And then another… and another! Of course, if he’d hung around for a couple more decades, it wouldn’t have been so different. Ironically, of course, porn-bombs or no porn-bombs, in the end Hitler was still properly fucked anyway.

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