Getting Ready For The Zombie Apocalypse

May 16, 2014
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I was very inspired to up my zombie apocalypse preparations after reading a great post in Quora on Zombie Apocalypse Strategies. Admittedly, as an apocalypse aficionado, my preparedness in an actual apocalypse is shamefully underprepared. I blame the fact that I’m always moving and can’t actually afford to carry all my ‘necessities’ with me when I travel (I mean I’d need to check in my Crovel) and the fact that I can’t afford a farm house in the country when shit hits the fan.

But seriously, I do have a few things that I have done and still do. Just. In. Case. It’s not as awesome as some of the people from the Quora post (Ariel Williams I’m looking at you) but it’s a start.

Zombie Survivor Army List

You have to have a list of people who are going to be on your army with you. It doesn’t have to be a ‘save the world’ army, it can be a ‘we’re going to survive this shit’ army.

The Zombie Apocalypse
Gas masks are a fashion must at the end of all seasons.

Who qualifies to be on this list?

  • Immediate Family. This means your spouse, children, parents (if you live with them). Basically, anyone you’re currently living with. No pets. Ever. No excuse. No, not even then. Ok, one excuse. If your dog happens to be as well trained as Will Smith’s dog in I am Legend, then yes, please take it with you.
  • That dude/dudette who’s good with a gun.
  • People who are fit. You don’t have to be athletic fit, just fit enough to run, jump, run, hit, kill.
  • The survivalist ‘nut job’ you didn’t take seriously.
  • Anyone who knows about things like farming, hunting, building things from the ground up, working with electricity. Basically good with their hands.
  • People who work well in a team and take orders seriously.
  • People from the army if possible, or trained to shoot/fight/survive.
  • Doctors/nurses anyone from the medical field.
  • Really smart, genetics, science type person who can maybe find a cure.
  • Intelligent people with an open mind and can think calmly in a tough situation. This is important. We don’t want panic.
  • Woody Harrelson.

Who doesn’t qualify.

  • That person who’s all, “but we should love one another. Oh a dog, we must risk everything to save this poor animal of god.” You know whom I’m talking about. No.
  • Squeamish people.
  • The asshole who’s only looking out for himself/herself.
  • Psychopaths who will use this time to steal, hate, rape, etc. As if we don’t have enough problems already.
  • Religious nutjobs.
The Zombie Apocalypse
Get used to signs like this

Know your exits

Regardless of where you live, you should know a few different ways to get in and out of:

  • Your home
  • Your area
  • Your town

As you know, the apocalypse can strike at any time, so wherever you are (restaurant, meeting, work, toilet) know your exits. So when shit hits the fan, you can get yourself and your family out safely.

Where are you going to go

Somehow Will Smith managed to build a high tech safe haven during the apocalypse. In the middle of New York City. By himself. I doubt we’ll be as lucky. I suggest you know a safe place where you live to lie low and then a place out in the country that you can go to, so you can escape there and try and rebuild your life ala The Walking Dead. Hershel’s farm was a great place (if it had more security) and the prison is a brilliant place. I’d also make sure I’d head for a place where there isn’t extreme weather. Not too hot, or too cold. Remember there won’t be central heating or air conditioning.

Now that we’ve covered the basics, we’re going to get a little more personal.


I never understand why people in zombie movies/TV never cover up appropriately. If the way you get infected is through bites, then don’t wear skimpy tank tops. I’d wear knee high leather boots or even motorcycle or diving gear. Have you ever tried biting into those things?

The Zombie Apocalypse
Pleased to eat you.

Beware Splatter

Another thing I never understood. I’d keep a stock of face masks to prevent blood splatter from ever entering my mouth or my eyeballs as was the case in 28 Days Later!


Yes, we’ll need to be a little fit. As easy as it may seem in the movies/tv, hacking away and stabbing people in the brain is hard work and requires a lot of upper body strength. I mean they didn’t get it wrong in Zombieland when they made they made up all the rules.

Which brings us to…


Not every country in the world allows us to purchase guns like they do in the US. Also, guns are loud. I’d learn how to use a more quiet weapon. I really like Michonne’s Katana (from the Walking Dead) but I’d probably end up stabbing myself before I could kill any zombies. So other than getting yourself a weapon, learn how to use it!

The Zombie Apocalypse
“You have the right to have your brain eaten.”

Get Educated

One of my favorite books is Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. I recommend you read it. Also, his other book World War Z (not to be confused with the crappy movie remake which should’ve been called ‘Brad Pitt Saves the World from Z’), so you can takes notes of how other survivors survived the apocalypse. Yes I’m serious. There are tons of other zombie novels and movies out there that show how to survive.

Learn to work old school

Come apocalypse, life as you know it will be over. No more internet, no more malls, no more home delivery. If you want anything, you’d have to go out and find/hunt/make it yourself. At some point, you’ll have to start growing things and for that you’ll need some skills. How to farm, how to carpenter, how to work with electricity. For instance, I decided to learn how to make my own beer. At least in an apocalypse, I shall die drunk and happy!

Yes, I’m aware I left out a lot, especially how to get food and water but I’m sure you’ll learn. These are things to get you started. What are things that you’d add to the list above? Here’s hoping that if and when there is a zombie apocalypse, they’re more like the zombies from Romero’s 1978 Dawn of the Dead and not the 2004 remake! Good luck Comrade!

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