Foods To Avoid On A First Date

November 14, 2013
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Although the art of dating is now a dying form, having been replaced by drunkenly grinding on someone until their clothes have magically disappeared and you’re both on your futon at 7am (my parents never did this to my knowledge), first dates do still occur. Sure, the same romanticism our folks adhered to might not be in fashion, but it doesn’t mean you can lurk around like a disgusting slob when you finally meet a potential mate.

For all you slobs, here are some basic foods to avoid when taking a romantic partner out for the first time. Behavior notwithstanding, food can be the way to a mate’s heart, but consumed in an elegant fashion, and at the right time. Some foods should simply be safely tucked away in the categories of, “Eat When We Are On Our Fifth Date” or “Eat At Our Wedding”. This list is a safety precaution to those who aren’t inherently foodies, or just have no idea.

slobsterFirst, don’t go out for a spaghetti dinner. In short, sauce will leap off your fork, your plate, even your stained napkin, and find a home all over your not so attractive face. Also, it’s rare you’ll find someone who is impressed with the proper protocol for consuming pasta (you probably don’t even know there is one).

Second, stay away from hand foods. That means burgers, no matter how much you love them. They’re greasy and make you feel hefty afterwards. And also, shellfish. Ever try to tell someone they look sexy tearing apart a shrimp carcass with their hands? Yes, but seldom.

Third, if you go for fast food, you better both be rather baked, have no idea it’s a date, and then afterwards realize your undying love for each other over Burger King ice cream monstrosities and that seventh spliff. For average folks, don’t be disgusting and try to romanticize anything that comes in an oozing, greasy box.

But wait, you ask, what about ice cream? Answer: it melts! Sure, I once licked ice cream off a girl’s fingers with memorable results, but we’d already been dating and she was out of her damn mind. So, avoid ice cream until you know what happens when the sun does it’s nasty work on your frozen treats.

Of course, there’s hope! If you’re walking with this newfound possible, have a pretzel in the park (followed by many beers). Or, go for sushi. If the other party in question doesn’t like sushi, he or she is wrong. Sushi is awesome, it’s elegant, it’s simple, and damned if a nice lady doesn’t look appetizing daintily eating sashimi.

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