Folk Want to ‘Cleanse’ the Internet

May 17, 2014
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Job Opportunity: No Experience Required, Healthy Disrespect for Free Expression a Plus

Some folks – cynical, defeatist types mostly – say that there’s no way to control the content of the Internet, no effective means to police the literally billions of files and mountains of data that flow from servers to clients and back again, every day.

Another group of naysayers contends that there’s no answer forthcoming to the ongoing problem of American joblessness, pointing to an economy that continues to struggle through a slow recovery, with feeble growth and every indication that it might slip back into recession at any time.

Folks Are Still Trying to 'Cleanse' the Internet

These cynics have obviously never encountered the manner of can-do spirit and problem-solving drive that characterizes the Chinese government, which has found a way to sanitize the Internet and create good tech-sector jobs in one fell swoop, by forcing Chinese companies to ‘innovate’ – which in this context means hiring people to assure that these company’s websites do not run afoul of the government’s new decency protocols for online content.

As you can clearly see from published reports, the Chinese standards at issue are perfectly reasonable, and aimed at content that anyone would find offensive and unacceptable… provided that “everyone” is an octogenarian who hails from the Bible Belt.

“Chinese game producers and web portals have been ordered to remove ‘pornographic’ — or what could more correctly be called sexually suggestive — content such as depictions of young women or female cartoons wearing sleeveless T-shirts, shorts or bikinis. Even physical contact between animated online game characters of different genders is now prohibited.”

Folks Are Still Trying to 'Cleanse' the Internet

See? There are no free speech concerns here; the Chinese government is merely targeting, in very narrow fashion, pornography, which the Chinese government very reasonably and logically defines as virtually any depiction of any kind that even begins to make the viewer think sexual thoughts. What could be more appropriate to the Information Age than a sweeping effort to protect us all from thinking about horrible and shameful activities, such as those that caused each of us to be conceived in the first place?

Folks Are Still Trying to 'Cleanse' the Internet

Naturally, so-called ‘activists’ and civil-liberties types are crying foul and hyperventilating with concern about the Chinese government using its new decency protocols as a pretext for silencing dissent, but isn’t that exactly what you’d expect a bunch of goatee-wearing, anarchistic cyber-terrorists to say? Frankly, we should probably hire an army of our own citizens to watch these highly suspect critics very closely. Sure, for the moment they are criticizing the Chinese government, but before you know it, they might turn their attention to Washington, D.C., and what’s worse, they might claim that they have some “right” to do so under “the Constitution.”

Folks Are Still Trying to 'Cleanse' the Internet

Whatever. I know an “outside agitator” when I see one (or read about one), and I know my history: these people are always up to no good. Just ask former Alabama governor and arbiter of all things righteous and wholesome, the right-honorable George Wallace!

It’s high time that the Obama Administration established a similar program here in the U.S., not just to get our economy going again, but to instill some sense of decency in the increasingly hedonistic youth of this great nation. Just think of the utopia the Internet could be if we got rid of porn, bikinis and depictions physical contact between videogame characters of different sexes – not to mention all those bare-naked cats!

Sure, an aggressive Internet-cleansing program would get the ACLU all bent out of shape, and no doubt the airwaves would be instantly clogged with academics, lawyers and assorted other undesirables bellyaching about it being a violation of the First Amendment, but isn’t it just about time for such people to be rounded up and placed in work camps anyway? We could use the work camps’ detainees to perform useful labor functions, like manufacturing iPhones, bringing yet more jobs to our country, and reducing our dependence on countries that, let’s face it, have a pretty abysmal record when it comes to human rights…. like China.

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

Folks Are Still Trying to 'Cleanse' the Internet

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