Faux Outrage in Florida As Candidates Try to Associate With Adult Entertainment

November 4, 2014
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Faux Outrage in Florida As Candidates Try to Associate With Adult Entertainment

It is now official: I’ve had it with the “War on Women” bullshit from both major political parties.

Whether it’s a Democrat trying to convince me that his pro-life Republican opponent is fixing to plant an NSA bug in my uterus in order to keep an eye out for out approaching abortionists, or a Republican candidate trying to persuade me that Obamacare is the reason why working women can’t afford to pay the rent, I thought I had seen it all.

I was wrong.

Now, courtesy of the disingenuous pricks running the campaigns of current Florida Governor Rick Scott, who’s in one of the parties (it doesn’t really matter which one), and former Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who appears to be a member of both parties depending on what year it is, I have seen a whole new front open up in the trumped up, purely rhetorical, entirely-beside-the-point, so-called War on Women.

What is that new front, you ask? Why, it’s porn, of course!

Not just porn, but strip clubs, social networking websites, human trafficking, money laundering and political corruption, as well. Hell, look long and hard enough, and you’ll probably even find some ebola in there somewhere, because nothing is below these misogynistic men in that other party…. whichever party that might be.

Here’s how it works: On Rick Scott’s side of the fence, they want me to believe that Charlie Crist is a four-star general in the War on Women because his campaign has accepted money from people who own strip clubs – clubs where, as we all know, every dancer is some poor, downtrodden chick from Moldova who was forced into half-clad servitude by an organized crime family that eats nothing but the ground-up bones of innocent school girls, and to which her poor ditch-digging father fell into debt by no fault of his own. We also all know that a decent man would never be found dead in such a club; the decent patrons somehow all manage to stumble out the door before succumbing to their cardiac arrests, thankfully.


From the other side, I hear that Rick Scott “owns a company” (in reality he merely owns stock in that company, but who’s counting, right?) that not only does business with Playboy in Mexico and a gay dating website (shudder!!), but operates a social networking site that is specifically designed to enable vicious killers and molesters to find innocent young female victims, as well! Either that, or it’s just a regular old social networking website that suffers from all the same member-caused problems that every social networking site experiences. Honestly, it’s a little hard to tell because the Crist campaign mailer in which this shocking quasi-fact is reported is smeared in such a thick layer of bullshit that it’s rather difficult to read.

Either way, I think reasonable people can all agree, based on this highly compelling and unquestionably probative evidence, that both of these men want nothing less than to slaughter women everywhere, and sell our skins on the black market. Either that, or we can conclude that they’re both obfuscating shitheels who don’t deserve our vote, or to have us pump the brakes if we see them crossing the street in front of our family-toting minivans.

I don’t live in Florida, so I couldn’t vote for either Crist or Scott, even if I did suffer an aneurism that so impeded my judgment that I wanted to vote for either of them. But the bottom line is bigger and broader than Charlie Crist and Rick Scott; the bottom line here is that I’m done with these assholes, all of them, from both major parties.

Accordingly, I’m not voting for a single Democrat or a Republican in the upcoming election – not one. If necessary to maintain that pledge, then I’ll be going with nothing but fringe-party wingnuts across the board.

What’s that you say? There’s some fuzzy, half-crazy communist running for the office of the local Mine Inspector? Well, take that man’s hammer and sickle and hand him a pick axe and mining helmet, stat! Frankly, I don’t care if his stock portfolio includes being the majority shareholder of the Cali Cartel, or if he’s the real-life version of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, that communist mine-inspecting motherfucker is getting my vote, thanks to the Republican and Democrat parties and their inane campaign messaging.

For Floridians, it’s important to note that Crist and Scott aren’t your only choices, either. There’s also Libertarian Adrian Wylie, independents Glenn Burkett, Farid Khavari, and just about anybody whose name you can almost spell as a write-in candidate.

While the most obvious ‘plus’ concerning each of these people is that they are neither Democrats nor Republicans, another thing to keep in mind is that they don’t have any campaign funds, which means that they couldn’t very well have accepted any campaign funding from anybody you would object to.

What are their policy positions? Where do they stand on women’s issues? Do they prefer online porn, or are they old-school magazine fans?

Honestly, I don’t give a shit. All I know about them is that they can’t afford to advertise on TV…. And at this point, that’s qualification enough for me.

Coleen Singer is a contributor at Sssh.com Porn For Women


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