Disney Princesses and Their Secret Kinks

November 14, 2013
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Every Disney princess from your childhood had sex. And a lot of it. I know this may come as a shock, but it’s true, and I’d bet every famous lady from the Disney Renaissance (yes, that’s a thing, don’t pretend you didn’t have a childhood) had their secret fetishes. Although they are shrouded in mystery, these turn-ons and kinks do exist, and I believe can be deduced.

Let’s start easy. The Little Mermaid is a no-brainer, as all Ariel wanted was a human male, as opposed to freaky fish men. As soon as she got working lady bits downstairs all she could think about was sex as far away from the beach as possible. When that lobster sang “Kiss the Girl”, he was talking explicitly about some newly discovered lips.

Poke her what?Moving on, we have Beauty and the Beast. I’d say Belle was into some kinky furry business, but really she just wanted a candlestick where the sun ceases to shine. True, the beast was probably hung like the monster he was, but it was the candlestick dude who really got Belle’s fire blazing. Also, she and Gaston totally did it while the little squirrely guy watched.

Aladdin was pretty sweet, except they didn’t show the fourth wish where Aladdin asked for his wang to become a genie. Jasmine could rub it and get whatever she desired (except murder, of course). She was also super into public sex (to the Steppenwolf song “Magic Carpet Ride”).

Let’s not talk about The Lion King cause Mufasa was too classy a gentleman (and he died horribly), and Matthew Broderick voiced Simba. Gross.

But oh man, Pocahontas. She was a dirty princess. She liked it tribal, and here I mean in a hut next to a fire with several burly Native American men. Body paint everywhere. John Smith got in on that and it was weird for a while, but when the fire went out, all was shadowy, muddy kinkiness. It was probably the same thing for Jane in Tarzan, except instead of Native Americans there was a whole crew of apes and Tarzan just sitting with that elephant smoking jungle reefer and just learning.

I know I’m leaving some out (Mulan loved cross-dressing), but a special case has to be mentioned: Mrs. Brisby from The Secret of NIMH. Let’s just ignore the fact for a second that for a kid’s movie it’s completely mental, and say that Mrs. Brisby was a beautiful goddamned mouse woman. You know she would just take it, love it, and give it right back. She still haunts my dreams. Don Bluth just knew how to draw small animals as sexy as possible, the rascal.

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