First of all, welcome to the world Caitlyn Jenner. We’re awfully glad that you’re living your authentic self. It’s not going to be easy being a woman, you’re in for a ride. But hey! It’ll be interesting to say the least. Of course as a woman, the world did not waste time in reducing you to only your looks:
Yep, now that you’re a woman, here’s what you can look forward to Caitlyn:
Having your whole self worth revolve around how hot you look
Listen, I know you achieved a lot in your 65 years, but forget them all. As Bruce, you were worth you achievements. As Caitlyn, the only thing we’re going to be looking at is “Who wore it best?” And if it ain’t you, don’t worry. There’s always ice cream. But not too much. We don’t want to get fat do we?
Not looking your age
The world knows your age, so it’s too late to lie about it. At 65 you’re way past the age where men think that you’re ‘bangable’ however, being a celebrity and having access to great plastic surgeons can raise that number a little. Like Jon Stewart says, you have another 2 years left on the clock. Milk it hun.
Get used to Photoshop
It’s going to be your best friend. In fact, learn the basics so that you don’t have to rely on anyone to do the basic touch ups.
Don’t bother having any achievements
Seriously, no one cares. As long as you look hot, that is literally all that people care about. And sex tapes. Yes, release a sex tape. It’s the best thing ever. Just ask your daughter Kim.
Prepare to have men tell you what you already know
I know you used to sit on the other side of the fence, but now that you’re one of us you’ve given up the right to know things. Especially things that you might be your expertise. Being mansplained is a part of your life now.
You need to familiarize yourself with the art of selfie stat! Don’t worry, you have a whole family of daughters that can help. I hope you have them on speed dial.
You are only worth your dress size
This might come as a surprise seeing that you might never have been bothered by dress sizes before. But now that you’re wearing dresses, know that your dress size directly correlates to your self worth. The higher the number on your dress, the lower your self worth is. #science
I guess that’s about it for now. Welcome to being a woman, Caitlyn! Lots of fun ahead. Just know now that the party has only just begun. There’s a long way left to go, but don’t worry, you’ve got your sisterhood to support and keep you company! If we don’t gossip about you first. But that’s a different matter. Enjoy!
Image from Vanity Fair.