Apple’s Silliest Products

September 20, 2014
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The iPhone 6 has, as it was prophesied, stomped into the market, putting the Android Galaxy on trial and making Apple users everywhere question their perfectly functional iPhone 5s (“But! But! But! The screen’s bigger!” *froths at mouth*). That, and there’s the Apple Watch, a classy looking device that will most likely bring watches back as a popular accessory, especially among youths who believe that all it takes to be a secret agent is discreetly talking into your wrist. Apple, you’ve changed the face of technology forever, again.

However, Apple hasn’t always been this monolithic creative genius factory. Like every other company ever, it’s invented some nightmarish failures, but an onslaught of wins have veiled these terrible creations. So I believe it’s time to unearth some of Apple’s worst products, to show that even Steve Jobs’ baby can have bad days.

Power Mac G4 Cube

Apple’s Silliest Products

This was supposed to be a sweet-looking alternative to big tower computers, but instead was an overheating little box of expensive uselessness. Anyone who got this instead of the Power Mac G4 was crazy and liked machines that developed cracks along its “super futuristic” see-through casing.

Apple Bandai Pippin

Apple’s Silliest Products

That’s right, gamers, Apple once tried to make a gaming console, in the form of this failed product. Released in 1996, it didn’t even sell half the manufactured units, and faded into obscurity until list makers like me decided to complain about it. Since then, Apple has continued to fail at games, but that’s ok, because have you seen the people who’re addicted to WoW?

Apple USB Mouse

Apple’s Silliest Products

People remember it better as the hockey puck mouse, as it was shaped (ridiculously) like an ice hockey puck. It was included with all the iMac G3s and is considered as one of the company’s biggest flops, as it was uncomfortable to use, had a stupidly short cord, and only had one button (remember being that kid without left click? Tragic). I still kinda liked it though, and feel so much shame.

Mac Portable

Apple’s Silliest Products

This catastrophe cost over six grand, weighed 16 goddamn pounds, and had all kinds of problems with charging and power. Critics believe it’s one of the silliest tech products of all time, which makes it kinda legendary, and reminds me of a time before my sleek MacBook Air that may or may not contain a good deal of my consciousness stored inside of it.

The Performa

Apple’s Silliest Products

I remember owning one of these horrifying machines. It crashed all the time, was hard to look at design-wise, and was generally a poor way to enter into the world of computers (damn parents, not buying me a machine until the Performa). The worst part was this digital woman inside the operating system that would make Joaquin Phoenix never want to date an AI (OS?) ever again.

Apple eWorld

Apple’s Silliest Products

Designed as an awesome way to surf around the early incarnation of our now beloved Internet, it was overly expensive, had to be installed via two floppy discs (I miss those little bastards), and had a weird vibe about it (“welcome to the Internet, neighbor!”). According to a lot of tech writers, Apple’d like to think this abomination never existed, and we’d be loath to hope otherwise. Can you imagine porn on eWorld? Wait, that’d be awesome.

iPod Hi-Fi

Apple’s Silliest Products

Like all unknowing slaves to Apple’s greatness, I really wanted one of these sleek music boxes, up until I saw how much it cost (over three hundred!) and how little it sounded like what three hundred bucks can buy you in the stereo tech universe. Not all iPods could even dock with this ridiculous thing. Any real music nerd encountering one would scoff, casually mention his/her self-designed set-up (like a dick), and strut away. But I digress; it was a bad idea, case closed.

Beyond these, there are a number of other terrible Apple products, but it’s a testament to the company’s need to keep thundering into the market with sleeker stuff that few of these products are remembered. We do, though, try to recall such failures, only to momentarily shake ourselves from the mass hypnopaedia Apple has achieved over all our iBrains. I mean iBrains. Tim Cook, you monster!

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