A Very Modern Spat

March 6, 2015
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A Very Modern Spat

One of the more awkward moments of my college years came when I found myself stuck in a room with a couple who were in the process of breaking up, extremely angry with each other, and seemingly oblivious to my presence.

I was friends with both parties, and I was learning WAY more about them than I would ever have willfully tried to find out, left to my own devices. Sexual hang-ups, lies they had been caught telling, embarrassing secrets they had confided to each other, nothing was off limits.

A few days later, when things had blown over a bit, the female half of the couple pulled me aside, essentially to thank me for acting like the whole thing had been a dream and not making her talk about it at all.

“Thank God you were the only one there,” she said. “I would absolutely die if anybody else heard some of those things we said that night.”

What I couldn’t admit to her was, as uncomfortable as it was to be there, it was sort of fascinating at the same time. It was like being an unpaid marriage therapist, only I didn’t interrupt with annoying questions, or come up with stupid suggestions as to how they might “interface” better.

Since then, I’ve seen my share of public freak-outs and relationship meltdowns, but such conflicts didn’t really reach their full humiliating potential until the age of social networking took hold. Now, thanks to the ubiquity of oversharing on Twitter and Facebook, couples both committed and casual can take disgrace to a whole new level.

Take the ongoing feud between porn star Kagney Linn Carter (no relation to Jimmy) and singer/dancer/cross-gender pugilist Chris Brown, for example. Twenty years ago, Carter wouldn’t even have had the option to instantly share pictures of Mr. Brown’s penis with the world.

Of course, technology will propel a fight only so far; to keep things going, you need trash talking skills, as well.

“I can slap bitches now with chris browns d*** on my timeline all day say some SLICK S*** **pulls out CBs d*** WHAP,” Carter tweeted, evidently.

I have absolutely no idea what that gibberish means – but I love it.

Unfortunately, Chris Brown is playing the buzzkill here. Instead of responding with an endearingly incoherent retort, Brown has opted for a mix of deny ‘til you die and unleash the law hounds.

On the other hand, I suppose responding to Carter precisely in kind wouldn’t have much of an effect. Somehow, I don’t think the star of titles like Anal Overdose 3 and Big Wet Asses 19 would get too upset if Chris Brown tweeted out a photo of her bush.

Still, there’s no reason he couldn’t at least tweet a few lines of his own lyrics as a retort. How devastating would it be for Carter to find the gem below scrawled on her Wall, for example:

Nanana, nanana, nanana, nananaah

Nanana, nanana, nanana, ey ey it’s what I do

Hmm… OK, upon further reflection, maybe drawing on his lyrics for inspiration is not the way to go, but I’m sure he could come up with something good. I’m equally sure it would contain the word “ho”, but that goes without saying.

I suppose I should feel guilty about consuming shameful celebrity overshares as a form of entertainment, but I just don’t. I’m going to let someone else worry about what this sort of spectacle says about the state of American culture, and let some other petty pundit reflect on the irony of a porn star engaging in revenge porn.

Me? I’m just going to grab some popcorn and get my thumb ready to hit the refresh button, repeatedly. Who’s up for a little #PornFightOfTheCentury?

A Very Modern Spat

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

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