Is An Affair Always the End of a Relationship

March 10, 2014
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Talking yourself down from the ledge of infidelity can be compared with stepping back before you jump into a fast moving river from a very high bridge. Once you take the leap, there is necessarily a death that will occur. Though the death may be more figurative than literal or more emotional than physical, something will be lost that can never be retrieved.

Sometimes, jumping can be the best thing for everyone involved. It can be the catalyst for change. A way to push a relationship beyond its capacity in order to insure that nothing will ever be the same again. Other times, infidelity is simply a momentary notion or a knee jerk reaction or a meeting of needs that will only leave you wallowing in a fast moving river of regrets.


When faced with the possibility of a tasty little fling, we try to convince ourselves of falsehoods. We tell ourselves that having an affair has nothing to do with our partner. Of course it has everything to do with our partner. Maybe we don’t feel entirely satisfied with our partner. Maybe we’re bored in our relationship and so attempt to convince ourselves that either we deserve a little spark or that we can use that spark to enhance our relationship. Whatever justification we contrive, it’s only a justification to pursue something that requires justification.

If you find yourself in this place, here are a few simple questions to be clear about before taking the leap. First, if you can, broaden your perspective and see the bigger picture; are you willing to lose your relationship for the affair? If so, end your relationship and by all means, dive in to something new. If not, with your partner address the issues that have led you to temptation from outside the relationship.

Next, is your attraction to the affair based on the impermanence or secrecy of it? If that’s the turn on, ask yourself why a clandestine encounter offers more excitement than an honest relationship that can withstand the light of day. Perhaps the affair can live in your fantasy life or be incorporated into the sexuality of your relationship. Finally, consider the integrity of the people involved, you, your partner and the third party. Everyone in that situation is getting less than they deserve. Everybody is eventually settling for a piece of the pie instead of getting to devour it all. Everyone is in the position of having to justify or simply ignore feelings and actions. This leaves everybody diminished to some degree.

Talking yourself down from the ledge of infidelity can ultimately serve to get you exactly what you’re after rather than being stuck in a web of things you don’t really want. It’s amazing what can happen in the dynamics of a relationship, particularly when all parties are aware that it’s come to the point of combustion. When the relationship itself is at stake, the willingness to find alternatives is heightened. There is never any reason to justify your feelings or your needs if you honestly convey them.

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  1. A lot of drugs and partying is the way to end.

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