How To Look Totally Badass

September 1, 2014
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Looking damn fine is a tricky thing, a generator of much unneeded stress. There are many schools of thought on how to dress to impress, and in general everything you get from fashion magazines, style blogs, and conversations you hear while trying to listen to attractive ladies discuss how they think they’re poor sap boyfriends should dress are utterly mistaken. Mostly because your main goal shouldn’t be dressing to look good, but to look like a total badass in any given context.

Below are some tips on how to detonate your own style explosion and make your appearance melt a face or two.

Fitted items

Oversized or undersized clothes are a clear indication that you have no idea what size your body is. Get fitted–I do not mean super tight, you hipster animals–clothing that accentuates your good points while tricking all those naysayers into an optical illusion of you being attractive. Warm yourself by the bonfire of your giant t-shirts and baggy khaki pants this evening.


Get a well-tailored black or dark blue suit for real occasions, and a white suit when you want to prove to people that you give negative zero fucks.

A Goddamned Blazer

Every awesome dude needs a vintage blazer (if you have to ask about shoulder pads, you may already be a 75 year-old professor in New England). A good quality fancy jacket can be worn over anything, and anyone who says that it makes you look old is afraid of the mature badassery wafting from the very fabric of your soul (and blazer) and the elegance of admitting mortality with snappy attire. Corduroy is boss.


If you’re not stomping places, then you are wasting having feet.

How To Look Totally Badass

Great Odin’s Beard!

That’s right, gentlemen. Beards are badass, and there’s nothing anyone can say to disprove this conjecture. A smooth face is a sign of little to no grit, facial hair being the windows to your inner “guy that punched down a tree then made a bonfire for the elk he drop kicked to death.” There are many acceptable beard types, but the greatest whiskers are either the full moustache and beard combo, the same thing but in the form of thick stubble, and a full moustache with a slight curl that makes you look like a goddamned charming supervillain. Keep tabs on that nefarious neckbeard. Make your rabbi proud.

No cologne ever

A few decent products for skincare and haircare are all well and good, but cologne masks your particular horrifying man musk and that is a crime against the brutish creature you are. Someone doesn’t like your stench? They’re not right for you and in ye old ancient times you may have thrown them into your huge sweatpants bonfire. Smelling like yourself is the ultimate sign of being a badass.

BUT, don’t be human garbage

Brush your teeth like an adult who wants to get some, wash yourself daily, and basically keep your body from becoming a festering petri dish of dried pizza sauce and bacon drippings. Just don’t overdo it, or you’ll find yourself trying to shove a cat into an ATM machine or chainsawing through prostitutes.

A nice watch

A badass doesn’t spend his time with his eyeballs fused to a little screen. Get an excellent piece of timekeeping machinery and glance at it occasionally instead of donning a vacant expression you look at your phone for the time but actually for a quick, mind-numbing round of Angry Birds. Pocket watches are for gentlemen who also headbutt trendy people.

Fly-ass leather jacket

You can’t wear your blazer everywhere, so spend some duckets on a sweet leather jacket (or, if you love cows, well-manufactured false leather) to swagger around in. Never make reference to it, as it’ll make a life crisis seem the cause of the purchase, and keep the phrase, “Ain’t nobody as pimp as me” safely echoing in your own head. A leather jacket plus a cocky silence equals people believing you probably have deep thoughts, while in actuality composing your theme song (theme songs are badass).

An expensive, full-length wizard cloak

Trust me.

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