Your Existential Crisis and You!

December 29, 2014
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Your Existential Crisis and You!

Completely accurate science tells us that a human (that’s right, all of yous!) thinks about sex every seven seconds; really, this isn’t so bad, even if you are deep in a sexless despair. What’s far worse than the constant urge to bump uglies is another scary human thought-burst, the “Who am I and what am I doing with my life?” explosion of existential inner sadness. I’d say everyone experiences this universal mind crisis, man, woman, android, and child alike. This sudden or slow-burning thought can cripple a whole morning of business and pancakes.

Which is why, Internet, I’ve tried to come up with some tips on how to deal with that sinking feeling that you’re alone in the universe and plummeting through life toward a meaningless exit from a cold, unfeeling world. Goddamn fun!

Break up the routine

Most moments of existential panic occur because you believe that your life is useless and you’re trapped in some routine, like a cyborg sheep. One great way to defeat this panic is to go do something drastic, like quit your job, buy a hang-glider and become a superhero, OR, try a different breakfast cereal. It’s enjoyable to break up the monotony, especially as it brings you back to you, and not the weird projection you’ve created to handshake and lifelessly smile your way through existence.

Be spiritual (or something)

Something new can also be the absence of activity, like devoting some time away from the craziness for some tasty meditation. But be warned. Meditation might bring every single nightmarish second of your existence right to the forefront of your consciousness, mangling your feeble happiness. That, or center you and help you deal with the present moment. Either way, it’s a great way to make your daily (eternal) existential crisis not seem so enormous and hard to deal with.

Find support

A good ol’ fashioned existential crisis loves company. When faced with the whole “meaning of your entire life” thing, it’s best to not combat it alone (cause it will win), and find yourself a group of likeminded drunks, stoners, and complaining enthusiasts to hang with. It’s amazing what a group of lovable assholes will do to make you realize that you are not alone, and that you’re a lot better off than those sad slobs.

Do something for someone else

Humans are insanely selfish creatures, bent on their own happiness. Every existential crisis is a reminder of how bad we are at making ourselves happy, though, and we don’t generally take the hint. Lots of researchers, though (science?), have figured out the power of giving stuff to and doing stuff for other people. Apparently, seeing the smile on the face of another creature will fill us with joy that no self-achievement could ever give us. While this is difficult for some (“Bro, can’t you just tell me to get a Wii?”), it’s actually good advice. Go buy a coffee for a stranger, bake a cake and leave it on your stoop (while secretly watching all the passers by), or let someone try out that new hat everyone’s been complimenting. Sudden eruptions of existential angst won’t rear their ugly faces today!

Finally, take stock of what you have

When all’s said and done, you have a lot more in your ridiculous little life than you’d ever understand. Even a really depressing life is still conducted in a human brain, and that’s pretty great. You may not know what your purpose is, but you’re still a living, breathing animal with semi-controlled insanity swirling around a cortex accidentally made special for us poor souls. And also, sandwiches are still a thing, as are videos of naked people, loud hip hop songs, and the Internet. Why, in seven seconds minimum, a synapse will fire and your brain will be filled with butts. Makes the seven-second burst thing less of a problem and more of a nice reminder that there are butts, huh?

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