What Your Underwear Might Say About You

November 12, 2013
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You probably know this already, but women look at what you wear underneath. We look, we size you up, and we pass premature judgment. We don’t just do this after you’ve stripped off those jeans. We cop little sneaky looks every time you bend over and flash that little piece of material, and sometimes we try guess what’s under there and giggle.

They were the underwear du jour for lean-bodied, skateboarding adolescent males, and despite it triggering subtle ‘failure-to-launch’ warning signals in a woman’s head, it can still be kind of hot. Point to note: lean-bodied. Also, women love wearing their man’s boxer shorts. It’s comfortable and makes them feel a little sexy and very close to you.

However, if you’re the dude sporting the middle-aged pouch and feeling pretty fine strutting about your lounge room in a pair of boxers, it is not a turn on. In fact, that just brings awful pictures of you scoffing down an extra large pizza while you scratch your balls through the loose and airy fabric on the weekends. Either hit the gym, buy better underwear, or eternally be pigeonholed as a lazy lay.

The briefs in question here are boxer briefs. God’s gift to women. Women have been looking out for those two magic words every time a man bends over since Mark Wahlberg donned those babies for Calvin Klein. A man in boxer briefs is a classy, trendy man packing some heat. Enough material to cover your massive manhood, but tight enough to flash those gorgeous ass dimples. Yes, boxer briefs are a big win. Women not only want to sleep with this man, they want to make him a sandwich and straddle him while he eats it.

FYI, they don’t hold up as well as boxers and get pretty baggy easily, so make sure you replace them often. Also, if the band on the top says dumb shit like PETROL or BIG BOI, please spare us.

Tighty Whities
Two words. Hell No! Only little boys should be allowed to wear the tighty whities their mom has bought them from Target at a 5 for 10$ deal. Them, and really old Italian men who are fashion designers and look like sun dried oranges.

Some people are of the school of thought of, “Well if you’ve got a good package, then flaunt it!” Most women however would share the same sentiments as me. For women, men that wear tighty whities bring forth all sorts of horrific stereotypes and imagery. For instance, that strange 45-year-old man who still lives with his mother, has no friends and masturbates furiously to the milkmaid on the pancake box. If you’ve never given this much thought before, then now you know!

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