Well, suffice to say it’s been another crazy year all round. Just when you thought 2014 was starting to drift away and become a dot in life’s rear view mirror, along came a veritable flood of news, no less the bizarre machinations of the Sony/North Korea/The Interview farce.
It’s been a year of tech growth, the growth of sextech in the mainstream marketplace, big asses trying to break the internet, political scandal and whatever else the hive of humanity can throw at us.
But what can we expect in AD 2015? We’ve long since given up on colonizing Mars, or even the moon, for the time being. Hell, even space travel itself is proving to be too costly and dangerous for us right now, so it looks like we’re still stuck on the third stone from the sun for the time being.
We’re no scientists here at BaDoink (shocked?), but we’ve had a few ideas as to how the next season of the show of life might pan out. If these are right then you all owe us a round of beers each, deal?!
Keen to keep up their presence as the West’s new bogeyman, Kim Jong Un and North Korea will terrorize Hollywood further. Only this time, it won’t be for political reasons…this time they will fight in the name of common sense and taste. After forcing Sony to can The Interview, everybody’s favourite rogue state will make threats against any and every upcoming Adam Sandler release.
“We don’t have any political motives for our actions this time” said a statement (potentially) released by the North Korean authorities. “We just really, really dislike Adam Sandler and his godwaful movies.”
Having bared all for the world to see (again), Kim Kardashian decides that instead of breaking the internet figuratively, she will do it literally. Armed with a huge wrench and a lot of persistence, Kim heads to Silicon Valley to start smashing servers up in an attempt to plunge humanity into a comms black hole. However, her attempt is thwarted when she spies somebody with a camera not aimed towards her and berates the poor individual until the police arrive and cart her away.
Upon her release from police custody, Kim will go one step further than baring her naked flesh and releases X-rays of herself to TMZ and other reputable gossip rags. The internet still does not break.
Tired of throwing caution to the wind and staggering their releases schedules (and with no Adam Sandler movies to make them a quick buck), all of Hollywood teams together to create the ultimate crossover movie – featuring every film character who’s ever existed. Despite reservations about costs, running time and the fact a high percentage of the people they need are probably dead, the film goes ahead regardless.
The ensuing on-screen melee turns out to be a nightmare, though eagle-eyed viewers may have enjoyed the sight of Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart debating the different applications of the word “toasted.”
Despite polluting the airwaves almost constantly, the right-wing talk show hosts of FOX News and beyond decide to up their game and splice all of their combined DNA to form Neoconasaurus.
Much like the Power Rangers’ Megazord, except with far more hideous and uninformed opinions, Neoconasaurus creates an immense path of destruction, hypnotizing people into thinking Sarah Palin is actually pretty clever and more than up to the task of being Pres.
Before it’s too late, Neoconasaurus is destroyed by the power of rage when it comes across a Vegan Rally held in Washington DC.
Sextech is given a real shot in the arm when time travel is brought into play. After some serious, costly and super-top-secret research, Timefux Inc create a machine where users can travel through the ages and have sex with any person in history.
Naturally, interest is high and take up on the new machinery is huge. Problems quickly develop however when a bottleneck of a sea of humanity winds up on Marilyn Monroe’s doorstep, while ladies of a certain age travelling to seduce Rock Hudson are left very disappointed indeed.
Well, that’s all from the BaDoink crew for 2014. We hope we’ve given you fair warning for what will probably be an intense and unforgettable 2015. See you on the other side!